The Stuffers Vs. The Trigger Tempers... Part 1 of 2~ The Antidote toStuffing:

Are you a person who tends to stuff things when you get upset?  If so, you might be a "stuffer."  Or when upset, are you a person who is ready to fight at the drop of a hat?  Then you might have a "trigger temper."  

This first article is going to explain the "stuffer" and give stuffers the antidote to stuffing.  The second article in this series, "Taming Trigger Tempers," will offer suggestions for managing explosive tempers.

Stuffers are people that let things roll off their backs.  They seem to go with the flow and be pretty laid-back.  Then all of a sudden <<WHAM!!!>>  They blow up and all this stuff comes out that they didn't even know they were upset about.

Years ago, I was teaching an anger management class.  I asked each participant if they were a "stuffer" or if they had a "trigger temper."  Most of my students answered they are "stuffers."  This answer was surprising because when we think of people who have tempers we usually think of people who are "hot- heads."

I explained to my anger management class that the best antidote to stuffing is to learn assertiveness skills.  Assertiveness is the ability to respectfully, responsibly, and consistently stand up for yourself.  When I gave the following example of assertive communication in my anger management class, students looked at me in horror.  Imagine that one day your best friend came to you and started complaining about one of your other close friends.  In order to address this situation assertively you might say, "that person is one of my closest friends and if you have a problem  you need to go talk to that person.  Please stop talking to me about it."  (Come to think of it, the ladies of The Real Housewives of Orange County could learn a  thing or two about direct and assertive communication!)  

Anyway, many of my students would respond to my assertiveness example by emphatically saying, "I could never say that!"   When asked why, my students would respond that to do so would be rude, or that they were afraid to make their friend mad, or worse they feared they would lose the friendship altogether.  

So I asked my students what they would do If they did not address it and that friend kept complaining.  Most of my students replied they would rather stop hanging out with that friend than confront the situation. 

Coming off rude, making your friend mad, or losing your friendship are all real possibilities.  But think about this, however.  As Dr. Phil would say, until you "teach your friends how to treat you," you will continue to subject yourself to uncomfortable situations with complaining friends.  You can keep doing that, but by doing so you are supporting someone else's comfort level at the expense of your own.  And by not sharing your feelings you're actually being unfair to your friends by not giving them the opportunity to fix something that's wrong.

Whether you choose to continue stuffing or you choose to respectfully and responsibly take assertive steps to change the uncomfortable situations you find yourself in, you run the potential of losing friendships either by your choice or theirs...  

On the flip side of that, since you run the risk of losing a friend anyway, why not also run the risk of having a better friendship by being honest with your feelings?  Though initially uncomfortable, by addressing the situation you are actually creating an opportunity to live your life more honestly and comfortably.  You are demonstrating respect for your friend by entrusting your feelings to your friend.  You are creating an opportunity to take yourself out of an uncomfortable situation and uncomfortable situations in the future.  And you are creating an opportunity to possibly even deepen your friendships.  Which option will you choose?

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice in Tulsa & Ponca City, Oklahoma.  She conducts counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families.  See a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a webcam, and a smartphone, laptop, or tablet. Visit her website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.