The Stuffers Vs. The Trigger Tempers... Part 1 of 2~ The Antidote toStuffing:

Are you a person who tends to stuff things when you get upset?  If so, you might be a "stuffer."  Or when upset, are you a person who is ready to fight at the drop of a hat?  Then you might have a "trigger temper."  

This first article is going to explain the "stuffer" and give stuffers the antidote to stuffing.  The second article in this series, "Taming Trigger Tempers," will offer suggestions for managing explosive tempers.

Stuffers are people that let things roll off their backs.  They seem to go with the flow and be pretty laid-back.  Then all of a sudden <<WHAM!!!>>  They blow up and all this stuff comes out that they didn't even know they were upset about.

Years ago, I was teaching an anger management class.  I asked each participant if they were a "stuffer" or if they had a "trigger temper."  Most of my students answered they are "stuffers."  This answer was surprising because when we think of people who have tempers we usually think of people who are "hot- heads."

I explained to my anger management class that the best antidote to stuffing is to learn assertiveness skills.  Assertiveness is the ability to respectfully, responsibly, and consistently stand up for yourself.  When I gave the following example of assertive communication in my anger management class, students looked at me in horror.  Imagine that one day your best friend came to you and started complaining about one of your other close friends.  In order to address this situation assertively you might say, "that person is one of my closest friends and if you have a problem  you need to go talk to that person.  Please stop talking to me about it."  (Come to think of it, the ladies of The Real Housewives of Orange County could learn a  thing or two about direct and assertive communication!)  

Anyway, many of my students would respond to my assertiveness example by emphatically saying, "I could never say that!"   When asked why, my students would respond that to do so would be rude, or that they were afraid to make their friend mad, or worse they feared they would lose the friendship altogether.  

So I asked my students what they would do If they did not address it and that friend kept complaining.  Most of my students replied they would rather stop hanging out with that friend than confront the situation. 

Coming off rude, making your friend mad, or losing your friendship are all real possibilities.  But think about this, however.  As Dr. Phil would say, until you "teach your friends how to treat you," you will continue to subject yourself to uncomfortable situations with complaining friends.  You can keep doing that, but by doing so you are supporting someone else's comfort level at the expense of your own.  And by not sharing your feelings you're actually being unfair to your friends by not giving them the opportunity to fix something that's wrong.

Whether you choose to continue stuffing or you choose to respectfully and responsibly take assertive steps to change the uncomfortable situations you find yourself in, you run the potential of losing friendships either by your choice or theirs...  

On the flip side of that, since you run the risk of losing a friend anyway, why not also run the risk of having a better friendship by being honest with your feelings?  Though initially uncomfortable, by addressing the situation you are actually creating an opportunity to live your life more honestly and comfortably.  You are demonstrating respect for your friend by entrusting your feelings to your friend.  You are creating an opportunity to take yourself out of an uncomfortable situation and uncomfortable situations in the future.  And you are creating an opportunity to possibly even deepen your friendships.  Which option will you choose?

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice in Tulsa & Ponca City, Oklahoma.  She conducts counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families.  See a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a webcam, and a smartphone, laptop, or tablet. Visit her website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information. 

Talk, Talk, Talk. The Problem With Communication Is... (Part 1 of 3)

A lot of my divorce clients have told me over the years, "Trey, if we could talk like this we wouldn't be getting a divorce!"  I've been thinking a lot about that statement.  My divorce clients have got it right.

All sustainable relationships require communication.  When I was growing up, communication skills were not taught in mainstream school, at church, or even Campfire Girls.  So what exactly is communication?  

In an effort to answer this question, I went to the dictionary.  What I found stopped me in my tracks.  Communication was defined as, "An act or instance of transmitting 2 a : information transmitted or b : a verbal or written message 3 a : a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior; the function of pheromones in insect."

The problem with this dictionary's definition of communication is consistent with the communication difficulties I have found in my clients over the years.  The act of listening is nowhere to be found.

I guess I always considered communication to be a two-way street.  And most of my clients who complain of communication difficulties are actually complaining  of not feeling heard.  So what is the deal?

My clients, whether they're single, married, or divorced, most often have zero difficulties communicating- consistent with how the dictionary defined communication.  However, knowing how to talk is not most  people's problem.  We begin learning to communicate as infants through gurgles and coos.  But what if nobody listened?  Are we better at listening to babies than we are listening to adults?

The key to effective communication is found in the listening...

In my next article, "Listen Listen Listen...The Key to Effective Communication Part 2 of 3," I will discuss the key points in listening.  And think about this;  If you were in a forest talking out loud and nobody was there to hear it, would that be considered communication?

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995.  You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet.  Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Marriage Counseling
Pre-Marital Counseling
Anger Management
Emotional Regulation
Stress
Anxiety
Depression
Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
Aging Issues
Infidelity
ADHD
Reconciliation Therapy
Family, Adolescents and Children's issues
LGBT
Communication Issues
Conflict Resolution Difficulties

Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Mediation
Parenting Coordination
Custody Evaluations
Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
Adoption Home Studies

Visit Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

Yes & No: You Can't Have One Without the Other:

Are there people in your life you’d like to say no to?  Are you always saying yes even when you don’t mean to?  Read on to see how to say no and empower yourself...

"Won’t People Get Mad at Me if I say no?"

No.  Actually, it’s the opposite.  When you are intentional about when you say yes and when you say no, people will actually learn to trust you more.  They will learn you say what you mean and mean what you say.  You will also feel more in control of your time, energy, and ultimately your life. 

"How do I Say no?" 
You can say “no” to people and they can still feel heard, validated, and valued if you follow these steps: 

1. Be honest with yourself: Ask yourself a few questions:  Do I want to say yes or do I feel compelled to say yes?  What’s the risk if I say yes?  What’s the risk if I say no?  What are the consequences of either choice? 

2. Be honest with the person making the request:  You have the right to say no without giving an explanation.  Giving a long reason why your answer is “no,” does not change the reality of your response.  In fact the reason you explain your “no” is because you are trying to make yourself feel better for your response. 

3. Offer an alternative:  You can give a “soft” no by trying this:  “I can tell this is important to you.  Let’s talk about how we can make this work another time.” 

4. Get over the guilt:  Guilt implies intent. If you did not mean to hurt someone or to be mean to them, then you do not deserve to feel guilty.  Be respectful enough of the requestor to allow them to experience whatever emotion you saying “no” stirs up for them.

5. Take a Time-Out:  If you feel put on the spot, rather than over-committing take a “time-out” and think about your response.  Tell the person asking the question you will get back with them. 

Remember, whenever you say yes to something, you are saying no to something else.  What are you saying no to right now that you’d rather be saying yes to?

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital & Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families for approximately twenty years.  You can now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a webcam, smartphone, tablet, or computer.  Visit her website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.