Jul 18, 2014

"To Be or Not to Be… A Creative Way to Instill Self-Confidence, Discipline, and Fortitude in Your Children"




Looking for something different, beneficial, and fun for your children to do?  Consider community theater!

Taking part in community theater can be a major growth opportunity for children.  Recently participating in a play proved to be a profound experience.  The children involved in the production gained valuable skills in three major areas of life:  self-confidence, discipline, and fortitude.  

Self-Confidence:  
The socio-psychological concept of self-confidence relates to self-assuredness in one's personal judgment, ability, power, etc.

At the beginning of play practices, the actors were involved in several warm-up exercises that proved to be skill-building in terms of confidence.  These activities required the child actors to speak loudly and quickly, to pay close attention to what was going on, and to be deliberate in their actions.  Additionally, the director allowed the actors to have input into developing their characters in the play.  Because of this, it was quickly apparent that all the children, including the shy ones, began trusting their judgment.  The children became more and more confident in their abilities as the director continued to incorporate their suggestions.  The children seemed encouraged and began trusting their abilities even further as practices continued.  All these engaging experiences during practice brought a fun, creative and lightness to confidence-building.  It was really amazing to watch the transformation in the children's self-confidence levels!

Training and control of oneself and one's conduct, usually for personal improvement.


Play practices occurred almost nightly for a few hours during the first part of summer.  This left very little time for typical summer activities including boating, vacationing, etc.  Yet as the play gained momentum and as the children made new friends, the children grew more enthusiastic which in turn correlated with growth in their discipline levels.  The children seemed to realize that they were a part of something bigger than themselves;  their fellow actors depended upon them to be there (if one of the actors missed practice, another actor would have to read his/her lines.)  The children noticed and commented on the impacts of participation levels on their "synergy" with their fellow actors.  This accountability correlated with their discipline.  The children also had opportunities to gain self-discipline as they had to be quiet when other actors were acting and as they had to be patient while waiting to act in their scenes.  Through team and confidence building exercises, and through the interdependence that evolved between the actors, the children developed a strong sense of teamwork and discipline.  Though there were time and social challenges, the amount of self-discipline cultivated in the children was astounding!  

Mental and emotional strength in facing difficulty, adversity, danger, or temptation courageously: 

We had an excellent director.  She was respectfully direct with the children and gave constructive criticism.  After her first initial corrections, and after the children got over the shock and embarrassment, the director would not allow time for self-pity.  Instead she kept working with the children by encouraging and pushing them to keep going.  The children would repeat their scenes over and over and weren't allowed the option of giving up;  they started getting it right and became increasingly proud of themselves.  The children kept plowing ahead and worked through the director's corrections.  The process of constructive feedback, which sometimes was difficult to hear, could have lead to the temptation to give up.  But the children didn't.  The director truly believed in every child's ability to work through their challenges, and it showed.  The children responded very well to her direction.  Additionally, the director taught the children to "stay in character" whenever they made mistakes.  She also taught them to make something out of the mistakes they made.  Through all of these processes, the children persevered.  They discovered that although things didn't always go smoothly, they had the mental and emotional strength to keep going.  The other actors were also very supportive which added to the positive momentum of the children's fortitude.

In sum, the entire theater experience taught the children positive skills for their development, including self-confidence, self-discipline, and fortitude.  The children learned how to speak and act in front of people, including live audiences, which required a lot of self-confidence.  They learned discipline and teamwork through attending and participating in play practices.  They learned fortitude as they learned the importance of forging ahead when they made mistakes, how to make something out of the mistakes they made, and how to take and implement constructive criticism and feedback.  

This is an experience that will undoubtedly change the children for the good.  They will hopefully take these lessons and apply them in their own lives as they mature.  For anyone looking for a creative and fun way to help children gain valuable life skills, get them involved in community theater.  Shakespeare once said, "To be or not to be…"  If your children need help with self-confidence, self- discipline and fortitude, give them the opportunity to "be" and to develop these skills through participating in community theater! 

This article is dedicated to Director Kelli Graves, Stage Manager Ryan Brown, as well as the amazing cast and crew involved in the production of Bob Perry's "The Broken Statue."  Thank you for giving all of the children a safe and encouraging place to grow and to gain valuable life skills!






Feb 6, 2014

Welcome to my Blog!!!


WELCOME TO MY BLOG!!!
I'm glad you found me!!!
                                                
My hope is that by reading my blogs you will gain some useful information in mastering life's problems.  My blog posts will cover a variety of topics, including relationships, marriage, divorce, anxiety, ADHD, conflict, communication, and many more topics.  My writings will also offer some insights into my style as a therapist.  

Please understand I take my work very, very seriously.  When I use humor, keep in mind I am not making light of any past, present, or future client's situation. I work in an extremely stressful profession and I use humor at times to neutralize the somber nature of my work. 

Also, in my blogs, I sometimes give examples of clients' stories with whom I have worked with over the years.  I have taken GREAT CREATIVE LIBERTY, (changing names, gender, ages, story lines, etc.), to protect my clients' privacy. 

So, welcome!!!
p.s.
I am very lucky indeed.  I do what I love and I love what I do.  




Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995. You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Marriage Counseling
Pre-Marital Counseling
Anger Management
Emotional Regulation
Stress
Anxiety
Depression
Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
Aging Issues
Infidelity
ADHD
Reconciliation Therapy
Family, Adolescents and Children's issues
LGBT
Communication Issues
Conflict Resolution Difficulties


Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Mediation
Parenting Coordination
Custody Evaluations
Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
Adoption Home Studies

Visit Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

Aug 19, 2013

The Toad: Embracing & Keeping Your Own Judgment


My favorite cartoon is the classic Warner Bros. cartoon, "One Froggy Evening."  One day while at work, a construction worker finds a box and inside it was a frog. Michigan J. Frog.  This was no ordinary frog as he had a top hat and cane and began to sing and dance for the construction worker.  With hopes of getting rich, the construction worker takes the frog to a talent agent in an attempt to exploit the frog and his talents.  But during the meeting, Michigan J. Frog only sat on the talent agent's desk and croaked.  Throughout the cartoon, the frog sings and dances for the construction worker when he wants to, but sits and croaks when the construction worker tries to exploit him.  The construction worker goes insane and broke and Michigan J. Frog continues doing as he pleases. 

Michigan J. Frog got it right. He knew who he was and did not allow the construction worker to control him.  He stayed true to himself and only sang and danced when he wanted to. 

I think of the clients that I have worked with over the years who have suffered from their blurred boundaries and controlling relationships.  Most likely without realizing it, these clients allowed other people to gain control of their thoughts and thus, their behavior. Michigan J. Frog escaped the influence of the construction worker by having a very strong sense of who he was.  If you think about it, it took a lot of guts for the frog to first sing and dance with a top hat with a cane, and second, to resist the direction of the construction worker who found him.

So what lessons can we learn from Michigan J. Frog?  First, always be aware of your inner voice.  And second, if that little voice has doubt, don't do it, don't say it, and don't blindly trust it.  If you wake up one day, and wonder who am I?  Watch this little cartoon… it will remind you you are unique just as you are and to always stay true to yourself.  

The words of Stephen Crane truly drive this point home:

"Think as I think," said the man, "or you are abominably wicked. You are a toad." "I think," I said, upon reflection, "that I shall be a toad."     

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice in Tulsa & Ponca City, Oklahoma. She has been conducting counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families for approximately twenty years. You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a webcam,  smartphone, laptop, or tablet. Visit her website at www.treytrotter.com for additional information. 
 

      

Jul 30, 2013

The Stuffers vs. The Trigger Tempers... Part 2 of 2~ Taming Trigger Tempers


Have you ever been so mad that you blacked out?  A sort of "tunnel vision" prevails and you might hear a roaring in your ears?  Your heart pounds, your palms sweat, or your teeth grind?  If so, you are most likely a very passionate person and you lead with your emotions instead of your head.  You may have a trigger temper and this article is for you!

In my first article in this series of two, "The Stuffers vs. The Trigger Tempers... Part 1 of 2~ The Antidote to Stuffing," we discussed that the antidote to "stuffing" your emotions is to learn how to assert yourself in uncomfortable situations in a respectful, responsible, and consistent way.  This article will discuss how to manage explosive tempers.

Years ago I was working the protective order docket at a courthouse and I heard a person testify, "Judge!  I can't help it!  When she pushes my buttons I see red and it's over!"  I had the opportunity to talk to the gentleman after the hearing.  I asked him what he noticed happens to his body when he gets upset.  He replied that he starts clenching his fists.  I told him that the next time he and his spouse argue to notice when his fists clench, and at that very moment to enact some sort of anger management skill.  He said he would by taking a time-out and leaving the house next time.

The first important point to this story is that your emotions are intertwined with your body.  When stressed, your body produces chemicals such as epinephrine and norepinephrine.  As a result, you may notice that you begin to experience physical changes like flushing, paling, prickly sensations, numbness, sweating, muscle tension, or body temperature changes.  These physiological changes are often referred to as "biological cues."  It is imperative to pay attention to these biological cues because if they go unnoticed, it is possible that a bad situation could escalate very quickly into something worse.  

The second important point to this story is expanding your sense of time and urgency during a conflict.  For many people with trigger tempers, taking a time-out as soon as your notice your biological cues is the most helpful thing you can do.  You can't resolve anything when you're upset anyway, and the time-out will create emotional distance from the person you're in conflict with which will allow you time to think your way through the situation, something that is very difficult to do when you are in it.  Common ways to manage your anger through self-soothing include:

  • Get relaxed- take a time-out, take deep breaths to slow your heart rate, go for a walk, listen to music, take a hot bath

  • Get physical- work out, run, shoot baskets, clean your house

  • Get distracted- do some paperwork, read, play a video game

  • Talk with someone- vent to a supportive family member or friend

  • Remember, if you have an explosive temper, you are most likely a very passionate person and you can learn to manage your temper.  You can learn ways to self- soothe.  And you can learn to manage your emotions so that you can calm down enough to think your way through a stressful situation, rather than react to it.  

    Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995. You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

    Pre-Marital Counseling
    Anger Management
    Emotional Regulation
    Stress
    Anxiety
    Depression
    Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
    Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
    Aging Issues
    Infidelity
    ADHD
    Reconciliation Therapy
    Family, Adolescents and Children's issues
    LGBT
    Communication Issues
    Conflict Resolution Difficulties


    Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

    Parenting Coordination
    Custody Evaluations
    Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
    Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
    Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
    Adoption Home Studies


    Jun 28, 2013

    I Can't Hear You!!! What To Do With Defensiveness During an Argument (Part 3 of 3)





    In my first article in this series, "Talk, Talk, Talk.  The Problem with Communication Is... (Part 1 or 3)" I identified the problem with communication is not in the speaking but rather in the lack of listening.  In "Listen Listen Listen...The Key to Effective Communication (Part 2 of 3)",  the second article in this series, I identified skills you can use to be an effective listener.  So what can you do when your communication becomes heated? 
    When you are involved in a conflict, your emotions run rampant.  Sometimes you feel things that are so strong they take over your ability to rationalize in the moment.  Self-regulation becomes very difficult.  And at some point you're so defensive you quit listening.
    So how do you listen when you're feeling defensive?  Simple.  You don't.
    So what do you do?  
    First, as soon as you start feeling defensive, take a timeout.  Sounds simple but it takes discipline to do it.  When you feel defensive a sense of "urgency" seems to come up.  A sense of urgency to react, to respond, or to tell your point of view.  However, the odds are not in your favor of working through the situation if you're feeling defensive, and your patience is most likely thin.  Taking a time-out may mean taking a break from the conversation.  There is no harm in this;  adults sometimes need time-outs just like children do.  Sometimes just getting away from the conversation can lessen the anxiety or frustration that you're feeling.  The purpose of the time-out is so that you can calm yourself down and slow yourself down.  When you have gathered your composure then it's time to go back and attempt to resolve the issue.

    Second, if you have accomplished assertiveness and self-regulation skills, as you begin to feel defensive, you can tell the person who's talking you're beginning to feel defensive.  You might say something like,  "What you're saying is important but I feel like you're talking down to me.  Could you please say that in a different way so that I can be more open to what you're saying?"  Your ability to effectively identify and articulate your emotions and to address what's bothering you early in the conversation can sometimes redirect the conversation before it escalates into conflict.

    Remember, you have choices even when your emotions implore a sense of urgency.  You have the choice to take a time-out.  You have the choice to address what's bothering you in a responsible way.  And you have the choice to argue.  What will your choice be?

    Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital & Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families since 1995.  You can now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a webcam, smartphone, tablet, or computer.  Visit her website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information. 



    Jun 10, 2013

    Listen Listen Listen...The Key to Effective Communication (Part 2 of 3)


    In all my years of practicing marriage and family therapy, I have never had a client complain of their partner listening too much;  "He listens all the time!  I can't get a word in edge-wise!"  Or, "She never talks to me, all she does is listen effectively!"  Therapists just don't hear that sort of thing...

    Clients don't complain of their partner  talking too much like they complain of not feeling heard.  In my previous article, "Talk Talk Talk The Problem with Communication Is...," I identified the most common problem I've encountered with communication difficulties, the absence of listening.

    So how do you listen effectively?  Basically, if you can remember three steps, you will be on your way to becoming a good listener!

    The first step is to get ready to listen.  We get very busy in our lives and sometimes forget to be present in our relationships.  So the next time your children or your partner want to share something with you, put down the newspaper or the sponge, make eye contact with them, and get ready to listen.  If what you're doing is too important to stop, then let them know that what they have to say is important and that you will be ready to listen to them once you finish your task.  Then do it.

    The second step is to make good eye contact.  Have you ever tried telling someone some big news and they keep looking at the clock?  You know how frustrating that can be.  When you make good eye contact with the person who is speaking, you Increase your odds that you will have a successful conversation.  You are more likely to be present in the conversation you're having.  And, good eye contact will also give the person who is speaking the message that you are focused and what they are saying is important.

    The third step is to actively listen without interrupting.  After the speaker completes the point, repeat back (in your own words) what you heard the speaker say.  What can make this difficult?  Sometimes you may get excited or offended by what you are hearing.  Either of these scenarios may cause you to experience a very strong emotion and feel the urgency to talk or to defend yourself.  You must resist this urgency.  However, if you suspect you're going to be discussing hot topics ahead of time, let the other person know that you're going to grab a pen and paper so that if you need to you can write down any urgent points that come up.  Remember, however, after you write down your point you must quickly return your focus back to the conversation.

    If you want to take listening to the next level, you can ask probing and clarifying questions to really let the speaker know your are getting it.  Probing questions are questions that you can ask in order to get additional information.  Clarifying questions are questions that you can ask in order to clear up any confusion you may have over what the speaker has said.

    In my next post, "I Can't Hear You!!!  What to do With Defensiveness During an Argument (Part 3 of 3)", I will address how to handle defensiveness when you are listening.  Keep this in mind.  You only need to remember 3 small steps that will have a huge impact on your relationships.  Get ready to listen, make good eye contact, and use active listening skills.

    Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995.  You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet.  Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

    Marriage Counseling
    Pre-Marital Counseling
    Anger Management
    Emotional Regulation
    Stress
    Anxiety
    Depression
    Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
    Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
    Aging Issues
    Infidelity
    ADHD
    Reconciliation Therapy
    Family, Adolescents and Children's Issues
    Communication Issues
    Conflict Resolution Difficulties


    Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

    Mediation
    Parenting Coordination
    Custody Evaluations
    Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
    Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
    Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
    Adoption Home Studies

    Visit Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

    May 17, 2013

    The Stuffers Vs. The Trigger Tempers... Part 1 of 2~ The Antidote toStuffing:



    Are you a person who tends to stuff things when you get upset?  If so, you might be a "stuffer."  Or when upset, are you a person who is ready to fight at the drop of a hat?  Then you might have a "trigger temper."  

    This first article is going to explain the "stuffer" and give stuffers the antidote to stuffing.  The second article in this series, "Taming Trigger Tempers," will offer suggestions for managing explosive tempers.

    Stuffers are people that let things roll off their backs.  They seem to go with the flow and be pretty laid-back.  Then all of a sudden <<WHAM!!!>>  They blow up and all this stuff comes out that they didn't even know they were upset about.

    Years ago, I was teaching an anger management class.  I asked each participant if they were a "stuffer" or if they had a "trigger temper."  Most of my students answered they are "stuffers."  This answer was surprising because when we think of people who have tempers we usually think of people who are "hot- heads."

    I explained to my anger management class that the best antidote to stuffing is to learn assertiveness skills.  Assertiveness is the ability to respectfully, responsibly, and consistently stand up for yourself.  When I gave the following example of assertive communication in my anger management class, students looked at me in horror.  Imagine that one day your best friend came to you and started complaining about one of your other close friends.  In order to address this situation assertively you might say, "that person is one of my closest friends and if you have a problem  you need to go talk to that person.  Please stop talking to me about it."  (Come to think of it, the ladies of The Real Housewives of Orange County could learn a  thing or two about direct and assertive communication!)  

    Anyway, many of my students would respond to my assertiveness example by emphatically saying, "I could never say that!"   When asked why, my students would respond that to do so would be rude, or that they were afraid to make their friend mad, or worse they feared they would lose the friendship altogether.  

    So I asked my students what they would do If they did not address it and that friend kept complaining.  Most of my students replied they would rather stop hanging out with that friend than confront the situation. 

    Coming off rude, making your friend mad, or losing your friendship are all real possibilities.  But think about this, however.  As Dr. Phil would say, until you "teach your friends how to treat you," you will continue to subject yourself to uncomfortable situations with complaining friends.  You can keep doing that, but by doing so you are supporting someone else's comfort level at the expense of your own.  And by not sharing your feelings you're actually being unfair to your friends by not giving them the opportunity to fix something that's wrong.

    Whether you choose to continue stuffing or you choose to respectfully and responsibly take assertive steps to change the uncomfortable situations you find yourself in, you run the potential of losing friendships either by your choice or theirs...  

    On the flip side of that, since you run the risk of losing a friend anyway, why not also run the risk of having a better friendship by being honest with your feelings?  Though initially uncomfortable, by addressing the situation you are actually creating an opportunity to live your life more honestly and comfortably.  You are demonstrating respect for your friend by entrusting your feelings to your friend.  You are creating an opportunity to take yourself out of an uncomfortable situation and uncomfortable situations in the future.  And you are creating an opportunity to possibly even deepen your friendships.  Which option will you choose?

    Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice in Tulsa & Ponca City, Oklahoma.  She conducts counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families.  See a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a webcam, and a smartphone, laptop, or tablet. Visit her website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information. 




    May 8, 2013

    Talk, Talk, Talk. The Problem With Communication Is... (Part 1 of 3)



    A lot of my divorce clients have told me over the years, "Trey, if we could talk like this we wouldn't be getting a divorce!"  I've been thinking a lot about that statement.  My divorce clients have got it right.

    All sustainable relationships require communication.  When I was growing up, communication skills were not taught in mainstream school, at church, or even Campfire Girls.  So what exactly is communication?  

    In an effort to answer this question, I went to the dictionary.  What I found stopped me in my tracks.  Communication was defined as, "An act or instance of transmitting 2 a : information transmitted or b : a verbal or written message 3 a : a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior; the function of pheromones in insect."

    The problem with this dictionary's definition of communication is consistent with the communication difficulties I have found in my clients over the years.  The act of listening is nowhere to be found.

    I guess I always considered communication to be a two-way street.  And most of my clients who complain of communication difficulties are actually complaining  of not feeling heard.  So what is the deal?

    My clients, whether they're single, married, or divorced, most often have zero difficulties communicating- consistent with how the dictionary defined communication.  However, knowing how to talk is not most  people's problem.  We begin learning to communicate as infants through gurgles and coos.  But what if nobody listened?  Are we better at listening to babies than we are listening to adults?

    The key to effective communication is found in the listening...

    In my next article, "Listen Listen Listen...The Key to Effective Communication Part 2 of 3," I will discuss the key points in listening.  And think about this;  If you were in a forest talking out loud and nobody was there to hear it, would that be considered communication?

    Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995.  You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet.  Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

    Marriage Counseling
    Pre-Marital Counseling
    Anger Management
    Emotional Regulation
    Stress
    Anxiety
    Depression
    Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
    Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
    Aging Issues
    Infidelity
    ADHD
    Reconciliation Therapy
    Family, Adolescents and Children's issues
    LGBT
    Communication Issues
    Conflict Resolution Difficulties

    Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

    Mediation
    Parenting Coordination
    Custody Evaluations
    Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
    Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
    Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
    Adoption Home Studies

    Visit Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

    May 6, 2013

    Yes & No: You Can't Have One Without the Other:




    Are there people in your life you’d like to say no to?  Are you always saying yes even when you don’t mean to?  Read on to see how to say no and empower yourself...

    "Won’t People Get Mad at Me if I say no?"
    No.  Actually, it’s the opposite.  When you are intentional about when you say yes and when you say no, people will actually learn to trust you more.  They will learn you say what you mean and mean what you say.  You will also feel more in control of your time, energy, and ultimately your life. 

    "How do I Say no?" 
    You can say “no” to people and they can still feel heard, validated, and valued if you follow these steps: 

    1. Be honest with yourself: Ask yourself a few questions:  Do I want to say yes or do I feel compelled to say yes?  What’s the risk if I say yes?  What’s the risk if I say no?  What are the consequences of either choice? 

    2. Be honest with the person making the request:  You have the right to say no without giving an explanation.  Giving a long reason why your answer is “no,” does not change the reality of your response.  In fact the reason you explain your “no” is because you are trying to make yourself feel better for your response. 

    3. Offer an alternative:  You can give a “soft” no by trying this:  “I can tell this is important to you.  Let’s talk about how we can make this work another time.” 

    4. Get over the guilt:  Guilt implies intent. If you did not mean to hurt someone or to be mean to them, then you do not deserve to feel guilty.  Be respectful enough of the requestor to allow them to experience whatever emotion you saying “no” stirs up for them.

    5. Take a Time-Out:  If you feel put on the spot, rather than over-committing take a “time-out” and think about your response.  Tell the person asking the question you will get back with them. 

    Remember, whenever you say yes to something, you are saying no to something else.  What are you saying no to right now that you’d rather be saying yes to?

    Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital & Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families for approximately twenty years.  You can now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a webcam, smartphone, tablet, or computer.  Visit her website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information. 

    Apr 29, 2013

    Pam amazed at how often people spend time reacting to somebody they don't know. Weather is someone who is offering poor customer service at a store, to someone who is driving poorly but then makes an obscene gesture you.