How Do You Make a Cat Bark? If You Can't Change Your Ex Who Can You Change?

You know you can't control another person.  All you truly have control over is yourself.  So why is it when you get divorced, you expect your ex is going to wake up and just magically "get it?"  

You keep hoping your ex will stop bad-mouthing you, stop picking fights with you, or start seeing the children regularly.  Why do you do that?  If your ex hasn't been doing the things you are wanting already, then you're probably trying to make a cat bark.  In other words, you're trying to control another person through your expectation of that person.

So what do you do instead?

You change your expectation of your ex.  Expect your ex is going to continue bad-mouthing you.  Expect that your ex is going to continue picking fights with you.  Expect that your ex is not going to be consistent in spending time with the children.

When you accept your ex's behavior instead of hoping and/or expecting it to change, you will experience freedom.  For suggestions on how to cope with the negative aspects of co-parenting with the ex, view "Getting Thrown Under the Bus?  It's a Waste of Time To Go After the Bus Driver (Handling Bad-Mouthing by the Ex)."  Keep in mind that accepting your ex's behavior is not the same as agreeing with it.

Remember, you cannot change your ex.  You cannot make a cat bark.  But you can change your expectation and stop driving yourself crazy.  And maybe, just maybe, if your ex does happen to start behaving better, you will be happily surprised.  Either way~ if you change your expectation of your ex or your ex actually changes, your children win because you are less stressed.

Ms. Trotter has been conducting counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families for approximately twenty years.  She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3.  See Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.