The Stuffers vs. The Trigger Tempers... Part 2 of 2~ Taming Trigger Tempers

Have you ever been so mad that you blacked out?  A sort of "tunnel vision" prevails and you might hear a roaring in your ears?  Your heart pounds, your palms sweat, or your teeth grind?  If so, you are most likely a very passionate person and you lead with your emotions instead of your head.  You may have a trigger temper and this article is for you!

In my first article in this series of two, "The Stuffers vs. The Trigger Tempers... Part 1 of 2~ The Antidote to Stuffing," we discussed that the antidote to "stuffing" your emotions is to learn how to assert yourself in uncomfortable situations in a respectful, responsible, and consistent way.  This article will discuss how to manage explosive tempers.

Years ago I was working the protective order docket at a courthouse and I heard a person testify, "Judge!  I can't help it!  When she pushes my buttons I see red and it's over!"  I had the opportunity to talk to the gentleman after the hearing.  I asked him what he noticed happens to his body when he gets upset.  He replied that he starts clenching his fists.  I told him that the next time he and his spouse argue to notice when his fists clench, and at that very moment to enact some sort of anger management skill.  He said he would by taking a time-out and leaving the house next time.

The first important point to this story is that your emotions are intertwined with your body.  When stressed, your body produces chemicals such as epinephrine and norepinephrine.  As a result, you may notice that you begin to experience physical changes like flushing, paling, prickly sensations, numbness, sweating, muscle tension, or body temperature changes.  These physiological changes are often referred to as "biological cues."  It is imperative to pay attention to these biological cues because if they go unnoticed, it is possible that a bad situation could escalate very quickly into something worse.  

The second important point to this story is expanding your sense of time and urgency during a conflict.  For many people with trigger tempers, taking a time-out as soon as your notice your biological cues is the most helpful thing you can do.  You can't resolve anything when you're upset anyway, and the time-out will create emotional distance from the person you're in conflict with which will allow you time to think your way through the situation, something that is very difficult to do when you are in it.  Common ways to manage your anger through self-soothing include:

Get relaxed- take a time-out, take deep breaths to slow your heart rate, go for a walk, listen to music, take a hot bath

Get physical- work out, run, shoot baskets, clean your house

Get distracted- do some paperwork, read, play a video game

Talk with someone- vent to a supportive family member or friend

Remember, if you have an explosive temper, you are most likely a very passionate person and you can learn to manage your temper.  You can learn ways to self- soothe.  And you can learn to manage your emotions so that you can calm down enough to think your way through a stressful situation, rather than react to it.  

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995. You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Pre-Marital Counseling
Anger Management
Emotional Regulation
Stress
Anxiety
Depression
Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
Aging Issues
Infidelity
ADHD
Reconciliation Therapy
Family, Adolescents and Children's issues
LGBT
Communication Issues
Conflict Resolution Difficulties

Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Parenting Coordination
Custody Evaluations
Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
Adoption Home Studies

I Can't Hear You!!! What To Do With Defensiveness During an Argument (Part 3 of 3)

In my first article in this series, "Talk, Talk, Talk.  The Problem with Communication Is... (Part 1 or 3)" I identified the problem with communication is not in the speaking but rather in the lack of listening.  In "Listen Listen Listen...The Key to Effective Communication (Part 2 of 3)",  the second article in this series, I identified skills you can use to be an effective listener.  So what can you do when your communication becomes heated? 

When you are involved in a conflict, your emotions run rampant.  Sometimes you feel things that are so strong they take over your ability to rationalize in the moment.  Self-regulation becomes very difficult.  And at some point you're so defensive you quit listening.

So how do you listen when you're feeling defensive?  Simple.  You don't.

So what do you do?  

First, as soon as you start feeling defensive, take a timeout.  Sounds simple but it takes discipline to do it.  When you feel defensive a sense of "urgency" seems to come up.  A sense of urgency to react, to respond, or to tell your point of view.  However, the odds are not in your favor of working through the situation if you're feeling defensive, and your patience is most likely thin.  Taking a time-out may mean taking a break from the conversation.  There is no harm in this;  adults sometimes need time-outs just like children do.  Sometimes just getting away from the conversation can lessen the anxiety or frustration that you're feeling.  The purpose of the time-out is so that you can calm yourself down and slow yourself down.  When you have gathered your composure then it's time to go back and attempt to resolve the issue.

Second, if you have accomplished assertiveness and self-regulation skills, as you begin to feel defensive, you can tell the person who's talking you're beginning to feel defensive.  You might say something like,  "What you're saying is important but I feel like you're talking down to me.  Could you please say that in a different way so that I can be more open to what you're saying?"  Your ability to effectively identify and articulate your emotions and to address what's bothering you early in the conversation can sometimes redirect the conversation before it escalates into conflict.

Remember, you have choices even when your emotions implore a sense of urgency.  You have the choice to take a time-out.  You have the choice to address what's bothering you in a responsible way.  And you have the choice to argue.  What will your choice be?

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital & Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families since 1995.  You can now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a webcam, smartphone, tablet, or computer.  Visit her website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.