Welcome to my Blog!!!

WELCOME TO MY BLOG!!!

I'm glad you found me!!!

                                                

My hope is that by reading my blogs you will gain some useful information in mastering life's problems.  My blog posts will cover a variety of topics, including relationships, marriage, divorce, anxiety, ADHD, conflict, communication, and many more topics.  My writings will also offer some insights into my style as a therapist.  

Please understand I take my work very, very seriously.  When I use humor, keep in mind I am not making light of any past, present, or future client's situation. I work in an extremely stressful profession and I use humor at times to neutralize the somber nature of my work. 

Also, in my blogs, I sometimes give examples of clients' stories with whom I have worked with over the years.  I have taken GREAT CREATIVE LIBERTY, (changing names, gender, ages, story lines, etc.), to protect my clients' privacy. 

So, welcome!!!

p.s.

I am very lucky indeed.  I do what I love and I love what I do.  

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995. You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Marriage Counseling
Pre-Marital Counseling
Anger Management
Emotional Regulation
Stress
Anxiety
Depression
Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
Aging Issues
Infidelity
ADHD
Reconciliation Therapy
Family, Adolescents and Children's issues
LGBT
Communication Issues
Conflict Resolution Difficulties

Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Mediation
Parenting Coordination
Custody Evaluations
Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
Adoption Home Studies

Visit Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

The Stuffers vs. The Trigger Tempers... Part 2 of 2~ Taming Trigger Tempers

Have you ever been so mad that you blacked out?  A sort of "tunnel vision" prevails and you might hear a roaring in your ears?  Your heart pounds, your palms sweat, or your teeth grind?  If so, you are most likely a very passionate person and you lead with your emotions instead of your head.  You may have a trigger temper and this article is for you!

In my first article in this series of two, "The Stuffers vs. The Trigger Tempers... Part 1 of 2~ The Antidote to Stuffing," we discussed that the antidote to "stuffing" your emotions is to learn how to assert yourself in uncomfortable situations in a respectful, responsible, and consistent way.  This article will discuss how to manage explosive tempers.

Years ago I was working the protective order docket at a courthouse and I heard a person testify, "Judge!  I can't help it!  When she pushes my buttons I see red and it's over!"  I had the opportunity to talk to the gentleman after the hearing.  I asked him what he noticed happens to his body when he gets upset.  He replied that he starts clenching his fists.  I told him that the next time he and his spouse argue to notice when his fists clench, and at that very moment to enact some sort of anger management skill.  He said he would by taking a time-out and leaving the house next time.

The first important point to this story is that your emotions are intertwined with your body.  When stressed, your body produces chemicals such as epinephrine and norepinephrine.  As a result, you may notice that you begin to experience physical changes like flushing, paling, prickly sensations, numbness, sweating, muscle tension, or body temperature changes.  These physiological changes are often referred to as "biological cues."  It is imperative to pay attention to these biological cues because if they go unnoticed, it is possible that a bad situation could escalate very quickly into something worse.  

The second important point to this story is expanding your sense of time and urgency during a conflict.  For many people with trigger tempers, taking a time-out as soon as your notice your biological cues is the most helpful thing you can do.  You can't resolve anything when you're upset anyway, and the time-out will create emotional distance from the person you're in conflict with which will allow you time to think your way through the situation, something that is very difficult to do when you are in it.  Common ways to manage your anger through self-soothing include:

Get relaxed- take a time-out, take deep breaths to slow your heart rate, go for a walk, listen to music, take a hot bath

Get physical- work out, run, shoot baskets, clean your house

Get distracted- do some paperwork, read, play a video game

Talk with someone- vent to a supportive family member or friend

Remember, if you have an explosive temper, you are most likely a very passionate person and you can learn to manage your temper.  You can learn ways to self- soothe.  And you can learn to manage your emotions so that you can calm down enough to think your way through a stressful situation, rather than react to it.  

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995. You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Pre-Marital Counseling
Anger Management
Emotional Regulation
Stress
Anxiety
Depression
Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
Aging Issues
Infidelity
ADHD
Reconciliation Therapy
Family, Adolescents and Children's issues
LGBT
Communication Issues
Conflict Resolution Difficulties

Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Parenting Coordination
Custody Evaluations
Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
Adoption Home Studies

I Can't Hear You!!! What To Do With Defensiveness During an Argument (Part 3 of 3)

In my first article in this series, "Talk, Talk, Talk.  The Problem with Communication Is... (Part 1 or 3)" I identified the problem with communication is not in the speaking but rather in the lack of listening.  In "Listen Listen Listen...The Key to Effective Communication (Part 2 of 3)",  the second article in this series, I identified skills you can use to be an effective listener.  So what can you do when your communication becomes heated? 

When you are involved in a conflict, your emotions run rampant.  Sometimes you feel things that are so strong they take over your ability to rationalize in the moment.  Self-regulation becomes very difficult.  And at some point you're so defensive you quit listening.

So how do you listen when you're feeling defensive?  Simple.  You don't.

So what do you do?  

First, as soon as you start feeling defensive, take a timeout.  Sounds simple but it takes discipline to do it.  When you feel defensive a sense of "urgency" seems to come up.  A sense of urgency to react, to respond, or to tell your point of view.  However, the odds are not in your favor of working through the situation if you're feeling defensive, and your patience is most likely thin.  Taking a time-out may mean taking a break from the conversation.  There is no harm in this;  adults sometimes need time-outs just like children do.  Sometimes just getting away from the conversation can lessen the anxiety or frustration that you're feeling.  The purpose of the time-out is so that you can calm yourself down and slow yourself down.  When you have gathered your composure then it's time to go back and attempt to resolve the issue.

Second, if you have accomplished assertiveness and self-regulation skills, as you begin to feel defensive, you can tell the person who's talking you're beginning to feel defensive.  You might say something like,  "What you're saying is important but I feel like you're talking down to me.  Could you please say that in a different way so that I can be more open to what you're saying?"  Your ability to effectively identify and articulate your emotions and to address what's bothering you early in the conversation can sometimes redirect the conversation before it escalates into conflict.

Remember, you have choices even when your emotions implore a sense of urgency.  You have the choice to take a time-out.  You have the choice to address what's bothering you in a responsible way.  And you have the choice to argue.  What will your choice be?

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital & Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families since 1995.  You can now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a webcam, smartphone, tablet, or computer.  Visit her website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information. 

Listen Listen Listen...The Key to Effective Communication (Part 2 of 3)

In all my years of practicing marriage and family therapy, I have never had a client complain of their partner listening too much;  "He listens all the time!  I can't get a word in edge-wise!"  Or, "She never talks to me, all she does is listen effectively!"  Therapists just don't hear that sort of thing...

Clients don't complain of their partner  talking too much like they complain of not feeling heard.  In my previous article, "Talk Talk Talk The Problem with Communication Is...," I identified the most common problem I've encountered with communication difficulties, the absence of listening.

So how do you listen effectively?  Basically, if you can remember three steps, you will be on your way to becoming a good listener!

The first step is to get ready to listen.  We get very busy in our lives and sometimes forget to be present in our relationships.  So the next time your children or your partner want to share something with you, put down the newspaper or the sponge, make eye contact with them, and get ready to listen.  If what you're doing is too important to stop, then let them know that what they have to say is important and that you will be ready to listen to them once you finish your task.  Then do it.

The second step is to make good eye contact.  Have you ever tried telling someone some big news and they keep looking at the clock?  You know how frustrating that can be.  When you make good eye contact with the person who is speaking, you Increase your odds that you will have a successful conversation.  You are more likely to be present in the conversation you're having.  And, good eye contact will also give the person who is speaking the message that you are focused and what they are saying is important.

The third step is to actively listen without interrupting.  After the speaker completes the point, repeat back (in your own words) what you heard the speaker say.  What can make this difficult?  Sometimes you may get excited or offended by what you are hearing.  Either of these scenarios may cause you to experience a very strong emotion and feel the urgency to talk or to defend yourself.  You must resist this urgency.  However, if you suspect you're going to be discussing hot topics ahead of time, let the other person know that you're going to grab a pen and paper so that if you need to you can write down any urgent points that come up.  Remember, however, after you write down your point you must quickly return your focus back to the conversation.

If you want to take listening to the next level, you can ask probing and clarifying questions to really let the speaker know your are getting it.  Probing questions are questions that you can ask in order to get additional information.  Clarifying questions are questions that you can ask in order to clear up any confusion you may have over what the speaker has said.

In my next post, "I Can't Hear You!!!  What to do With Defensiveness During an Argument (Part 3 of 3)", I will address how to handle defensiveness when you are listening.  Keep this in mind.  You only need to remember 3 small steps that will have a huge impact on your relationships.  Get ready to listen, make good eye contact, and use active listening skills.

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995.  You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet.  Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Marriage Counseling
Pre-Marital Counseling
Anger Management
Emotional Regulation
Stress
Anxiety
Depression
Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
Aging Issues
Infidelity
ADHD
Reconciliation Therapy
Family, Adolescents and Children's Issues
Communication Issues
Conflict Resolution Difficulties

Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Mediation
Parenting Coordination
Custody Evaluations
Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
Adoption Home Studies

Visit Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

The Stuffers Vs. The Trigger Tempers... Part 1 of 2~ The Antidote toStuffing:

Are you a person who tends to stuff things when you get upset?  If so, you might be a "stuffer."  Or when upset, are you a person who is ready to fight at the drop of a hat?  Then you might have a "trigger temper."  

This first article is going to explain the "stuffer" and give stuffers the antidote to stuffing.  The second article in this series, "Taming Trigger Tempers," will offer suggestions for managing explosive tempers.

Stuffers are people that let things roll off their backs.  They seem to go with the flow and be pretty laid-back.  Then all of a sudden <<WHAM!!!>>  They blow up and all this stuff comes out that they didn't even know they were upset about.

Years ago, I was teaching an anger management class.  I asked each participant if they were a "stuffer" or if they had a "trigger temper."  Most of my students answered they are "stuffers."  This answer was surprising because when we think of people who have tempers we usually think of people who are "hot- heads."

I explained to my anger management class that the best antidote to stuffing is to learn assertiveness skills.  Assertiveness is the ability to respectfully, responsibly, and consistently stand up for yourself.  When I gave the following example of assertive communication in my anger management class, students looked at me in horror.  Imagine that one day your best friend came to you and started complaining about one of your other close friends.  In order to address this situation assertively you might say, "that person is one of my closest friends and if you have a problem  you need to go talk to that person.  Please stop talking to me about it."  (Come to think of it, the ladies of The Real Housewives of Orange County could learn a  thing or two about direct and assertive communication!)  

Anyway, many of my students would respond to my assertiveness example by emphatically saying, "I could never say that!"   When asked why, my students would respond that to do so would be rude, or that they were afraid to make their friend mad, or worse they feared they would lose the friendship altogether.  

So I asked my students what they would do If they did not address it and that friend kept complaining.  Most of my students replied they would rather stop hanging out with that friend than confront the situation. 

Coming off rude, making your friend mad, or losing your friendship are all real possibilities.  But think about this, however.  As Dr. Phil would say, until you "teach your friends how to treat you," you will continue to subject yourself to uncomfortable situations with complaining friends.  You can keep doing that, but by doing so you are supporting someone else's comfort level at the expense of your own.  And by not sharing your feelings you're actually being unfair to your friends by not giving them the opportunity to fix something that's wrong.

Whether you choose to continue stuffing or you choose to respectfully and responsibly take assertive steps to change the uncomfortable situations you find yourself in, you run the potential of losing friendships either by your choice or theirs...  

On the flip side of that, since you run the risk of losing a friend anyway, why not also run the risk of having a better friendship by being honest with your feelings?  Though initially uncomfortable, by addressing the situation you are actually creating an opportunity to live your life more honestly and comfortably.  You are demonstrating respect for your friend by entrusting your feelings to your friend.  You are creating an opportunity to take yourself out of an uncomfortable situation and uncomfortable situations in the future.  And you are creating an opportunity to possibly even deepen your friendships.  Which option will you choose?

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice in Tulsa & Ponca City, Oklahoma.  She conducts counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families.  See a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a webcam, and a smartphone, laptop, or tablet. Visit her website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information. 

Talk, Talk, Talk. The Problem With Communication Is... (Part 1 of 3)

A lot of my divorce clients have told me over the years, "Trey, if we could talk like this we wouldn't be getting a divorce!"  I've been thinking a lot about that statement.  My divorce clients have got it right.

All sustainable relationships require communication.  When I was growing up, communication skills were not taught in mainstream school, at church, or even Campfire Girls.  So what exactly is communication?  

In an effort to answer this question, I went to the dictionary.  What I found stopped me in my tracks.  Communication was defined as, "An act or instance of transmitting 2 a : information transmitted or b : a verbal or written message 3 a : a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior; the function of pheromones in insect."

The problem with this dictionary's definition of communication is consistent with the communication difficulties I have found in my clients over the years.  The act of listening is nowhere to be found.

I guess I always considered communication to be a two-way street.  And most of my clients who complain of communication difficulties are actually complaining  of not feeling heard.  So what is the deal?

My clients, whether they're single, married, or divorced, most often have zero difficulties communicating- consistent with how the dictionary defined communication.  However, knowing how to talk is not most  people's problem.  We begin learning to communicate as infants through gurgles and coos.  But what if nobody listened?  Are we better at listening to babies than we are listening to adults?

The key to effective communication is found in the listening...

In my next article, "Listen Listen Listen...The Key to Effective Communication Part 2 of 3," I will discuss the key points in listening.  And think about this;  If you were in a forest talking out loud and nobody was there to hear it, would that be considered communication?

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995.  You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet.  Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Marriage Counseling
Pre-Marital Counseling
Anger Management
Emotional Regulation
Stress
Anxiety
Depression
Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
Aging Issues
Infidelity
ADHD
Reconciliation Therapy
Family, Adolescents and Children's issues
LGBT
Communication Issues
Conflict Resolution Difficulties

Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Mediation
Parenting Coordination
Custody Evaluations
Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
Adoption Home Studies

Visit Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

Yes & No: You Can't Have One Without the Other:

Are there people in your life you’d like to say no to?  Are you always saying yes even when you don’t mean to?  Read on to see how to say no and empower yourself...

"Won’t People Get Mad at Me if I say no?"

No.  Actually, it’s the opposite.  When you are intentional about when you say yes and when you say no, people will actually learn to trust you more.  They will learn you say what you mean and mean what you say.  You will also feel more in control of your time, energy, and ultimately your life. 

"How do I Say no?" 
You can say “no” to people and they can still feel heard, validated, and valued if you follow these steps: 

1. Be honest with yourself: Ask yourself a few questions:  Do I want to say yes or do I feel compelled to say yes?  What’s the risk if I say yes?  What’s the risk if I say no?  What are the consequences of either choice? 

2. Be honest with the person making the request:  You have the right to say no without giving an explanation.  Giving a long reason why your answer is “no,” does not change the reality of your response.  In fact the reason you explain your “no” is because you are trying to make yourself feel better for your response. 

3. Offer an alternative:  You can give a “soft” no by trying this:  “I can tell this is important to you.  Let’s talk about how we can make this work another time.” 

4. Get over the guilt:  Guilt implies intent. If you did not mean to hurt someone or to be mean to them, then you do not deserve to feel guilty.  Be respectful enough of the requestor to allow them to experience whatever emotion you saying “no” stirs up for them.

5. Take a Time-Out:  If you feel put on the spot, rather than over-committing take a “time-out” and think about your response.  Tell the person asking the question you will get back with them. 

Remember, whenever you say yes to something, you are saying no to something else.  What are you saying no to right now that you’d rather be saying yes to?

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital & Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families for approximately twenty years.  You can now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a webcam, smartphone, tablet, or computer.  Visit her website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information. 

How Do You Make a Cat Bark? If You Can't Change Your Ex Who Can You Change?

You know you can't control another person.  All you truly have control over is yourself.  So why is it when you get divorced, you expect your ex is going to wake up and just magically "get it?"  

You keep hoping your ex will stop bad-mouthing you, stop picking fights with you, or start seeing the children regularly.  Why do you do that?  If your ex hasn't been doing the things you are wanting already, then you're probably trying to make a cat bark.  In other words, you're trying to control another person through your expectation of that person.

So what do you do instead?

You change your expectation of your ex.  Expect your ex is going to continue bad-mouthing you.  Expect that your ex is going to continue picking fights with you.  Expect that your ex is not going to be consistent in spending time with the children.

When you accept your ex's behavior instead of hoping and/or expecting it to change, you will experience freedom.  For suggestions on how to cope with the negative aspects of co-parenting with the ex, view "Getting Thrown Under the Bus?  It's a Waste of Time To Go After the Bus Driver (Handling Bad-Mouthing by the Ex)."  Keep in mind that accepting your ex's behavior is not the same as agreeing with it.

Remember, you cannot change your ex.  You cannot make a cat bark.  But you can change your expectation and stop driving yourself crazy.  And maybe, just maybe, if your ex does happen to start behaving better, you will be happily surprised.  Either way~ if you change your expectation of your ex or your ex actually changes, your children win because you are less stressed.

Ms. Trotter has been conducting counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families for approximately twenty years.  She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3.  See Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

How Could You!?!? 10 Simple Tips to Increase Positive Interactions WithYour Partner:

Have you ever found yourself unemployed and sending out resumés to get a job? Typically for every 10-15 resumés you send out you'll receive 1 response back. So what happens if you only send out 8 resumés? Or if you send out 10 but don't send out any more? What if the one company call you received wasn't the one you were hoping for? Most likely, you won't be successful in landing that "ideal" and "fulfilling" job.

In order to sustain an "ideal" and "fulfilling" relationship, John Gottman, researcher and renowned relational specialist in the field of psychology posits in order for a relationship to thrive you must exhibit 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction. That's certainly better odds than receiving 1 in 10-15 responses from sending out your resumés.

So the question is this; If your relationship is not ideal and fulfilling, how could you increase your number of positive interactions with your partner? It may take a conscience effort to do so, regardless of whether you receive feedback right away from your partner. But if you don't make that effort, your relationship's odds of being "ideal" and "fulfilling" will slowly stack against you.

Here are 10 simple tips to increase your positive interactions with your partner:

1. Use humor.
2. Flirt.
3. Give sincere compliments.
4. Show appreciation.
5. Listen.
6. Date each other.
7. Use "I" statements when you're upset.
8. Surprise your partner by cleaning the house.
9. Hug when you get home from work.
10. Make a date to meet for lunch.

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice in Tulsa & Ponca City, Oklahoma. She has been conducting counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families for approximately twenty years. You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a webcam, and a smartphone, laptop, or tablet. Visit her website at www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

Don't Just Say Something Stand There! Doing Nothing is Sometimes Best:

We've all heard people say, "Don't just stand there, do something!" However, sometimes the best thing you can do is to simply do nothing.

I had a client who desperately wanted to reconcile with his wife. In the beginning of the separation she had reportedly said she wanted to reconcile as well, but that my client was driving her crazy. He kept doing things for his wife despite her objections. He paid her car payment, her phone bill, her utilities. He sent flowers to her work, left her notes on her car, texted her repeatedly. He was so desperate to "win" her back that he couldn't see how he was pushing her away.

He came to a session with me and despite my educating him about distancing/pursuing patterns and my giving him repeated advice to back off, my client kept pursuing her. Eventually his wife obtained a protective order against him for harassment and then divorced him. When he received the divorce papers, my client told me that he had a revelation; HE NEEDED TO TRY EVEN HARDER!

Several months later, my client told me that it wasn't until one night when he was sitting in jail after violating his protective order repeatedly, he finally understood what I had been trying to tell him.

He should have just stood there and done "nothing."

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995.  You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet.  Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Marriage Counseling
Pre-Marital Counseling
Anger Management
Emotional Regulation
Stress
Anxiety
Depression
Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
Aging Issues
Infidelity
ADHD
Reconciliation Therapy
Family, Adolescents and Children's issues
LGBT
Communication Issues
Conflict Resolution Difficulties

Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Mediation
Parenting Coordination
Custody Evaluations
Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
Adoption Home Studies

Visit Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

Note:
As a reminder, all stories regarding clients are being repeated with permission. However, great creative liberty has been taken as names, gender, ages content, etc. have been changed to protect the identity of these clients.

I'm Going Through a Divorce...Should I Go to Mediation?

ABSOLUTELY 100% YES!!!

I used to work at a courthouse and I would listen to Judges say they are not the best people to make decisions with regard to your children. They don't know your children's fears, their hopes or their dreams like you do.

I am a huge proponent of mediation because it is a process that allows you to remain in charge of the decision-making that affects you and your children. You can go to Mediation at anytime during the court process.

What is Mediation?
Mediation is a cooperative and confidential process where I sit down with you and your co-parent and we resolve unresolved issues, including but not limited to custody and visitation as well as modifications to your current orders.

Why Does it Work?
When we argue, we tend to get stuck defending our positions. As an experienced mediator, I take an "interest-based" approach in helping co-parents resolve their issues. "Interest–based" negotiation is focused on flushing out and resolving the issues that fuel your positions. While mediating I frequently hear, "Trey if we could talk like this we could've resolved our issues ourselves!" Sometimes it takes a trained neutral party to help you stay focused on the issues, and to help you learn effective communication and conflict resolution skills.

Can I Mediate if We Have a Protective Order?
Yes! I stagger the arrival and departure times so that you may have safe passage in and out of my office. You and your co-parent are put in separate rooms and I alternate meeting or "caucusing" with each of you separately.

How many times do we meet?
You will meet with me as many times as necessary to resolve the issues. I've met with clients anywhere from one to six times in the past.

What Happens After Mediation is Finished?
Upon completion of the final Mediation session, I will prepare a Memorandum of Understanding and submit it to you, your co-parent and the attorneys. The attorneys will draft your agreements into order form to present to the court for approval by the Judge. Your case will be finished and you don't have to go to court. You are welcome to come back in the future as necessary.

Ms. Trotter has been conducting counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families for approximately twenty years.  She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3.  See Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

Opposites Do Attract! Just Not in the Way You Might Think...

Do opposites really attract? 

Based upon what I have experienced in working with couples, I have seen the answer unfold time and time again but not in the way you might think... 

Years ago I was working with a couple who wanted their marriage to be better.  They had been married for over ten years and the husband had an affair toward the beginning of their marriage.  The husband told his wife he had the affair because she was too controlling.  They did not go to counseling.  They stayed together and over time a "parent-child" pattern developed in their marriage.  The wife was the "parent" and her husband was the "child."  The wife explained she had been so hurt by her husband's infidelity she began attempting to control all her husband's actions.  But each time the wife told her husband what to do, he would react and do the exact opposite of what she had directed.  He eventually had another affair in what he said was an effort to again gain "independence" from his wife. 

The wife was in no way responsible for how her husband coped with their relationship pattern. It always takes two to make or break a relationship. 

However, had the wife attended counseling earlier, she would have discovered how her individual insecurities, due to the infidelity in her own parent's marriage, affected the way she treated her husband.  She would have been able to see how attempting to control her husband was actually pushing him away and learned instead how to give him space and to feel secure doing so. Had the husband been in counseling earlier, he would have learned how to assert himself in the relationship long before he committed the first infidelity which could have challenged rather than endorsed the "parent-child" pattern.  He would have learned that by reacting to his wife's control, through having affairs, he was actually contributing to his wife's insecurities thereby contributing to her controlling behavior toward him.  They both would have learned how to cope with their insecurities in ways that would have brought them closer rather than tear them apart. 

There is a happy ending here.  Through marriage counseling my client and her husband were able to correct their power imbalance and to restore their relationship from a "parent-child" relationship to a "partner-partner" relationship.  They both reported feeling like they were in a much more "real" and satisfying place than ever.

So my answer is yes.  Opposites do attract but in this way... 

If what you are doing is getting you the opposite of what you want, you must do the opposite of what you are doing in order to get what you want!!!

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995.  You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet.  Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Marriage Counseling
Pre-Marital Counseling
Anger Management
Emotional Regulation
Stress
Anxiety
Depression
Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
Aging Issues
Infidelity
ADHD
Reconciliation Therapy
Family, Adolescents and Children's issues
LGBT
Communication Issues
Conflict Resolution Difficulties

Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Mediation
Parenting Coordination
Custody Evaluations
Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
Adoption Home Studies

Visit Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

Note:
As a reminder, all stories regarding clients are being repeated with permission. However, great creative liberty has been taken as names, gender, ages content, etc. have been changed to protect the identity of these clients.