Getting Thrown Under the Bus? It's a Waste of Time to go After the BusDriver (Handling Bad-Mouthing by the Ex:)

So you find yourself separated or divorced and your children are telling you how your ex is constantly throwing you under the bus. How do you handle your emotions in those frustrating moments?

First, keep in mind that it's okay to feel hurt or angry by what you're hearing. Just remember you always have a choice in how you respond or react with your own behavior.

Second, children learn more by what they see than what they hear. Keep your behavior in check by asking yourself, "Is my behavior in this moment showing my children how to respond should they find themselves in this situation some day?"

Third, it's true your ex may have placed your children in the middle by throwing you under the bus. However, if you react negatively to what you are hearing, you are keeping them there. Instead try something like, "I'm sorry that you had to hear that. How did you feel when the other parent said that?" Then process your children's feelings in a supportive way, again without retaliating against the bad-mouthing parent.

Fourth, remember, your children are made up of each of you. When they hear something negative about you from the other parent, they don't hear it about that you as intended. Rather they hear it as an attack on themselves and they need your support, not your negative reaction.

Lastly, the best way to handle bad-mouthing by an ex is to resolve your emotions about your ex so that ultimately their opinion means nothing to you. Then you'll be in a better position to focus on your children's needs rather than your hurt or anger. You will be in a better position to demonstrate for your children how you would want them to handle someone bad-mouthing them someday.

Children are smart and they are learning something about each of you; whether there is bad-mouthing happening, or good role-modeling happening. Either way, they'll be thanking one of you and most likely resenting the other.

Ms. Trotter has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. She is also a trained Parenting Coordinator. In 1999, Ms. Trotter was a member of the Families in Transition Working Committee in Tulsa County. Making Oklahoma the first state to pass Parenting Coordination legislation, this committee wrote the "Parenting Coordinator Act" in 2001 which was amended in 2003. This Act defined parenting coordination and established requirements for professionals who are interested in practicing Parenting Coordination. This committee also wrote the Order Appointing Parenting Coordinator courts still use in its amended form. Ms. Trotter is listed on the approved list of Custody Evaluators at: http://www.tulsacountydistrictcourt.org/resources.html. See her website at www.treytrotter.com for additional information.