Do opposites really attract?
Based upon what I have experienced in working with couples, I have seen the answer unfold time and time again but not in the way you might think...
Years ago I was working with a couple who wanted their marriage to be better. They had been married for over ten years and the husband had an affair toward the beginning of their marriage. The husband told his wife he had the affair because she was too controlling. They did not go to counseling. They stayed together and over time a "parent-child" pattern developed in their marriage. The wife was the "parent" and her husband was the "child." The wife explained she had been so hurt by her husband's infidelity she began attempting to control all her husband's actions. But each time the wife told her husband what to do, he would react and do the exact opposite of what she had directed. He eventually had another affair in what he said was an effort to again gain "independence" from his wife.
The wife was in no way responsible for how her husband coped with their relationship pattern. It always takes two to make or break a relationship.
However, had the wife attended counseling earlier, she would have discovered how her individual insecurities, due to the infidelity in her own parent's marriage, affected the way she treated her husband. She would have been able to see how attempting to control her husband was actually pushing him away and learned instead how to give him space and to feel secure doing so. Had the husband been in counseling earlier, he would have learned how to assert himself in the relationship long before he committed the first infidelity which could have challenged rather than endorsed the "parent-child" pattern. He would have learned that by reacting to his wife's control, through having affairs, he was actually contributing to his wife's insecurities thereby contributing to her controlling behavior toward him. They both would have learned how to cope with their insecurities in ways that would have brought them closer rather than tear them apart.
There is a happy ending here. Through marriage counseling my client and her husband were able to correct their power imbalance and to restore their relationship from a "parent-child" relationship to a "partner-partner" relationship. They both reported feeling like they were in a much more "real" and satisfying place than ever.
So my answer is yes. Opposites do attract but in this way...
If what you are doing is getting you the opposite of what you want, you must do the opposite of what you are doing in order to get what you want!!!
Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice. She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995. You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:
Marriage Counseling
Pre-Marital Counseling
Anger Management
Emotional Regulation
Stress
Anxiety
Depression
Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
Aging Issues
Infidelity
ADHD
Reconciliation Therapy
Family, Adolescents and Children's issues
LGBT
Communication Issues
Conflict Resolution Difficulties
Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:
Mediation
Parenting Coordination
Custody Evaluations
Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
Adoption Home Studies
Visit Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.
As a reminder, all stories regarding clients are being repeated with permission. However, great creative liberty has been taken as names, gender, ages content, etc. have been changed to protect the identity of these clients.
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