Welcome to my Blog!!!

WELCOME TO MY BLOG!!!

I'm glad you found me!!!

                                                

My hope is that by reading my blogs you will gain some useful information in mastering life's problems.  My blog posts will cover a variety of topics, including relationships, marriage, divorce, anxiety, ADHD, conflict, communication, and many more topics.  My writings will also offer some insights into my style as a therapist.  

Please understand I take my work very, very seriously.  When I use humor, keep in mind I am not making light of any past, present, or future client's situation. I work in an extremely stressful profession and I use humor at times to neutralize the somber nature of my work. 

Also, in my blogs, I sometimes give examples of clients' stories with whom I have worked with over the years.  I have taken GREAT CREATIVE LIBERTY, (changing names, gender, ages, story lines, etc.), to protect my clients' privacy. 

So, welcome!!!

p.s.

I am very lucky indeed.  I do what I love and I love what I do.  

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995. You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Marriage Counseling
Pre-Marital Counseling
Anger Management
Emotional Regulation
Stress
Anxiety
Depression
Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
Aging Issues
Infidelity
ADHD
Reconciliation Therapy
Family, Adolescents and Children's issues
LGBT
Communication Issues
Conflict Resolution Difficulties

Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Mediation
Parenting Coordination
Custody Evaluations
Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
Adoption Home Studies

Visit Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

The Toad: Embracing & Keeping Your Own Judgment

My favorite cartoon is the classic Warner Bros. cartoon, "One Froggy Evening."  One day while at work, a construction worker finds a box and inside it was a frog. Michigan J. Frog.  This was no ordinary frog as he had a top hat and cane and began to sing and dance for the construction worker.  With hopes of getting rich, the construction worker takes the frog to a talent agent in an attempt to exploit the frog and his talents.  But during the meeting, Michigan J. Frog only sat on the talent agent's desk and croaked.  Throughout the cartoon, the frog sings and dances for the construction worker when he wants to, but sits and croaks when the construction worker tries to exploit him.  The construction worker goes insane and broke and Michigan J. Frog continues doing as he pleases. 

Michigan J. Frog got it right. He knew who he was and did not allow the construction worker to control him.  He stayed true to himself and only sang and danced when he wanted to. 

I think of the clients that I have worked with over the years who have suffered from their blurred boundaries and controlling relationships.  Most likely without realizing it, these clients allowed other people to gain control of their thoughts and thus, their behavior. Michigan J. Frog escaped the influence of the construction worker by having a very strong sense of who he was.  If you think about it, it took a lot of guts for the frog to first sing and dance with a top hat with a cane, and second, to resist the direction of the construction worker who found him.

So what lessons can we learn from Michigan J. Frog?  First, always be aware of your inner voice.  And second, if that little voice has doubt, don't do it, don't say it, and don't blindly trust it.  If you wake up one day, and wonder who am I?  Watch this little cartoon… it will remind you you are unique just as you are and to always stay true to yourself.  

The words of Stephen Crane truly drive this point home:

"Think as I think," said the man, "or you are abominably wicked. You are a toad." "I think," I said, upon reflection, "that I shall be a toad."     

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice in Tulsa & Ponca City, Oklahoma. She has been conducting counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families for approximately twenty years. You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a webcam,  smartphone, laptop, or tablet. Visit her website at www.treytrotter.com for additional information. 

 

      

Listen Listen Listen...The Key to Effective Communication (Part 2 of 3)

In all my years of practicing marriage and family therapy, I have never had a client complain of their partner listening too much;  "He listens all the time!  I can't get a word in edge-wise!"  Or, "She never talks to me, all she does is listen effectively!"  Therapists just don't hear that sort of thing...

Clients don't complain of their partner  talking too much like they complain of not feeling heard.  In my previous article, "Talk Talk Talk The Problem with Communication Is...," I identified the most common problem I've encountered with communication difficulties, the absence of listening.

So how do you listen effectively?  Basically, if you can remember three steps, you will be on your way to becoming a good listener!

The first step is to get ready to listen.  We get very busy in our lives and sometimes forget to be present in our relationships.  So the next time your children or your partner want to share something with you, put down the newspaper or the sponge, make eye contact with them, and get ready to listen.  If what you're doing is too important to stop, then let them know that what they have to say is important and that you will be ready to listen to them once you finish your task.  Then do it.

The second step is to make good eye contact.  Have you ever tried telling someone some big news and they keep looking at the clock?  You know how frustrating that can be.  When you make good eye contact with the person who is speaking, you Increase your odds that you will have a successful conversation.  You are more likely to be present in the conversation you're having.  And, good eye contact will also give the person who is speaking the message that you are focused and what they are saying is important.

The third step is to actively listen without interrupting.  After the speaker completes the point, repeat back (in your own words) what you heard the speaker say.  What can make this difficult?  Sometimes you may get excited or offended by what you are hearing.  Either of these scenarios may cause you to experience a very strong emotion and feel the urgency to talk or to defend yourself.  You must resist this urgency.  However, if you suspect you're going to be discussing hot topics ahead of time, let the other person know that you're going to grab a pen and paper so that if you need to you can write down any urgent points that come up.  Remember, however, after you write down your point you must quickly return your focus back to the conversation.

If you want to take listening to the next level, you can ask probing and clarifying questions to really let the speaker know your are getting it.  Probing questions are questions that you can ask in order to get additional information.  Clarifying questions are questions that you can ask in order to clear up any confusion you may have over what the speaker has said.

In my next post, "I Can't Hear You!!!  What to do With Defensiveness During an Argument (Part 3 of 3)", I will address how to handle defensiveness when you are listening.  Keep this in mind.  You only need to remember 3 small steps that will have a huge impact on your relationships.  Get ready to listen, make good eye contact, and use active listening skills.

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995.  You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet.  Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Marriage Counseling
Pre-Marital Counseling
Anger Management
Emotional Regulation
Stress
Anxiety
Depression
Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
Aging Issues
Infidelity
ADHD
Reconciliation Therapy
Family, Adolescents and Children's Issues
Communication Issues
Conflict Resolution Difficulties

Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Mediation
Parenting Coordination
Custody Evaluations
Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
Adoption Home Studies

Visit Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

How Do You Make a Cat Bark? If You Can't Change Your Ex Who Can You Change?

You know you can't control another person.  All you truly have control over is yourself.  So why is it when you get divorced, you expect your ex is going to wake up and just magically "get it?"  

You keep hoping your ex will stop bad-mouthing you, stop picking fights with you, or start seeing the children regularly.  Why do you do that?  If your ex hasn't been doing the things you are wanting already, then you're probably trying to make a cat bark.  In other words, you're trying to control another person through your expectation of that person.

So what do you do instead?

You change your expectation of your ex.  Expect your ex is going to continue bad-mouthing you.  Expect that your ex is going to continue picking fights with you.  Expect that your ex is not going to be consistent in spending time with the children.

When you accept your ex's behavior instead of hoping and/or expecting it to change, you will experience freedom.  For suggestions on how to cope with the negative aspects of co-parenting with the ex, view "Getting Thrown Under the Bus?  It's a Waste of Time To Go After the Bus Driver (Handling Bad-Mouthing by the Ex)."  Keep in mind that accepting your ex's behavior is not the same as agreeing with it.

Remember, you cannot change your ex.  You cannot make a cat bark.  But you can change your expectation and stop driving yourself crazy.  And maybe, just maybe, if your ex does happen to start behaving better, you will be happily surprised.  Either way~ if you change your expectation of your ex or your ex actually changes, your children win because you are less stressed.

Ms. Trotter has been conducting counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families for approximately twenty years.  She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3.  See Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

I'm Going Through a Divorce...Should I Go to Mediation?

ABSOLUTELY 100% YES!!!

I used to work at a courthouse and I would listen to Judges say they are not the best people to make decisions with regard to your children. They don't know your children's fears, their hopes or their dreams like you do.

I am a huge proponent of mediation because it is a process that allows you to remain in charge of the decision-making that affects you and your children. You can go to Mediation at anytime during the court process.

What is Mediation?
Mediation is a cooperative and confidential process where I sit down with you and your co-parent and we resolve unresolved issues, including but not limited to custody and visitation as well as modifications to your current orders.

Why Does it Work?
When we argue, we tend to get stuck defending our positions. As an experienced mediator, I take an "interest-based" approach in helping co-parents resolve their issues. "Interest–based" negotiation is focused on flushing out and resolving the issues that fuel your positions. While mediating I frequently hear, "Trey if we could talk like this we could've resolved our issues ourselves!" Sometimes it takes a trained neutral party to help you stay focused on the issues, and to help you learn effective communication and conflict resolution skills.

Can I Mediate if We Have a Protective Order?
Yes! I stagger the arrival and departure times so that you may have safe passage in and out of my office. You and your co-parent are put in separate rooms and I alternate meeting or "caucusing" with each of you separately.

How many times do we meet?
You will meet with me as many times as necessary to resolve the issues. I've met with clients anywhere from one to six times in the past.

What Happens After Mediation is Finished?
Upon completion of the final Mediation session, I will prepare a Memorandum of Understanding and submit it to you, your co-parent and the attorneys. The attorneys will draft your agreements into order form to present to the court for approval by the Judge. Your case will be finished and you don't have to go to court. You are welcome to come back in the future as necessary.

Ms. Trotter has been conducting counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families for approximately twenty years.  She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3.  See Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

Getting Thrown Under the Bus? It's a Waste of Time to go After the BusDriver (Handling Bad-Mouthing by the Ex:)

So you find yourself separated or divorced and your children are telling you how your ex is constantly throwing you under the bus. How do you handle your emotions in those frustrating moments?

First, keep in mind that it's okay to feel hurt or angry by what you're hearing. Just remember you always have a choice in how you respond or react with your own behavior.

Second, children learn more by what they see than what they hear. Keep your behavior in check by asking yourself, "Is my behavior in this moment showing my children how to respond should they find themselves in this situation some day?"

Third, it's true your ex may have placed your children in the middle by throwing you under the bus. However, if you react negatively to what you are hearing, you are keeping them there. Instead try something like, "I'm sorry that you had to hear that. How did you feel when the other parent said that?" Then process your children's feelings in a supportive way, again without retaliating against the bad-mouthing parent.

Fourth, remember, your children are made up of each of you. When they hear something negative about you from the other parent, they don't hear it about that you as intended. Rather they hear it as an attack on themselves and they need your support, not your negative reaction.

Lastly, the best way to handle bad-mouthing by an ex is to resolve your emotions about your ex so that ultimately their opinion means nothing to you. Then you'll be in a better position to focus on your children's needs rather than your hurt or anger. You will be in a better position to demonstrate for your children how you would want them to handle someone bad-mouthing them someday.

Children are smart and they are learning something about each of you; whether there is bad-mouthing happening, or good role-modeling happening. Either way, they'll be thanking one of you and most likely resenting the other.

Ms. Trotter has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. She is also a trained Parenting Coordinator. In 1999, Ms. Trotter was a member of the Families in Transition Working Committee in Tulsa County. Making Oklahoma the first state to pass Parenting Coordination legislation, this committee wrote the "Parenting Coordinator Act" in 2001 which was amended in 2003. This Act defined parenting coordination and established requirements for professionals who are interested in practicing Parenting Coordination. This committee also wrote the Order Appointing Parenting Coordinator courts still use in its amended form. Ms. Trotter is listed on the approved list of Custody Evaluators at: http://www.tulsacountydistrictcourt.org/resources.html. See her website at www.treytrotter.com for additional information.