Welcome to my Blog!!!

WELCOME TO MY BLOG!!!

I'm glad you found me!!!

                                                

My hope is that by reading my blogs you will gain some useful information in mastering life's problems.  My blog posts will cover a variety of topics, including relationships, marriage, divorce, anxiety, ADHD, conflict, communication, and many more topics.  My writings will also offer some insights into my style as a therapist.  

Please understand I take my work very, very seriously.  When I use humor, keep in mind I am not making light of any past, present, or future client's situation. I work in an extremely stressful profession and I use humor at times to neutralize the somber nature of my work. 

Also, in my blogs, I sometimes give examples of clients' stories with whom I have worked with over the years.  I have taken GREAT CREATIVE LIBERTY, (changing names, gender, ages, story lines, etc.), to protect my clients' privacy. 

So, welcome!!!

p.s.

I am very lucky indeed.  I do what I love and I love what I do.  

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995. You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Marriage Counseling
Pre-Marital Counseling
Anger Management
Emotional Regulation
Stress
Anxiety
Depression
Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
Aging Issues
Infidelity
ADHD
Reconciliation Therapy
Family, Adolescents and Children's issues
LGBT
Communication Issues
Conflict Resolution Difficulties

Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Mediation
Parenting Coordination
Custody Evaluations
Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
Adoption Home Studies

Visit Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

The Toad: Embracing & Keeping Your Own Judgment

My favorite cartoon is the classic Warner Bros. cartoon, "One Froggy Evening."  One day while at work, a construction worker finds a box and inside it was a frog. Michigan J. Frog.  This was no ordinary frog as he had a top hat and cane and began to sing and dance for the construction worker.  With hopes of getting rich, the construction worker takes the frog to a talent agent in an attempt to exploit the frog and his talents.  But during the meeting, Michigan J. Frog only sat on the talent agent's desk and croaked.  Throughout the cartoon, the frog sings and dances for the construction worker when he wants to, but sits and croaks when the construction worker tries to exploit him.  The construction worker goes insane and broke and Michigan J. Frog continues doing as he pleases. 

Michigan J. Frog got it right. He knew who he was and did not allow the construction worker to control him.  He stayed true to himself and only sang and danced when he wanted to. 

I think of the clients that I have worked with over the years who have suffered from their blurred boundaries and controlling relationships.  Most likely without realizing it, these clients allowed other people to gain control of their thoughts and thus, their behavior. Michigan J. Frog escaped the influence of the construction worker by having a very strong sense of who he was.  If you think about it, it took a lot of guts for the frog to first sing and dance with a top hat with a cane, and second, to resist the direction of the construction worker who found him.

So what lessons can we learn from Michigan J. Frog?  First, always be aware of your inner voice.  And second, if that little voice has doubt, don't do it, don't say it, and don't blindly trust it.  If you wake up one day, and wonder who am I?  Watch this little cartoon… it will remind you you are unique just as you are and to always stay true to yourself.  

The words of Stephen Crane truly drive this point home:

"Think as I think," said the man, "or you are abominably wicked. You are a toad." "I think," I said, upon reflection, "that I shall be a toad."     

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice in Tulsa & Ponca City, Oklahoma. She has been conducting counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families for approximately twenty years. You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a webcam,  smartphone, laptop, or tablet. Visit her website at www.treytrotter.com for additional information. 

 

      

Listen Listen Listen...The Key to Effective Communication (Part 2 of 3)

In all my years of practicing marriage and family therapy, I have never had a client complain of their partner listening too much;  "He listens all the time!  I can't get a word in edge-wise!"  Or, "She never talks to me, all she does is listen effectively!"  Therapists just don't hear that sort of thing...

Clients don't complain of their partner  talking too much like they complain of not feeling heard.  In my previous article, "Talk Talk Talk The Problem with Communication Is...," I identified the most common problem I've encountered with communication difficulties, the absence of listening.

So how do you listen effectively?  Basically, if you can remember three steps, you will be on your way to becoming a good listener!

The first step is to get ready to listen.  We get very busy in our lives and sometimes forget to be present in our relationships.  So the next time your children or your partner want to share something with you, put down the newspaper or the sponge, make eye contact with them, and get ready to listen.  If what you're doing is too important to stop, then let them know that what they have to say is important and that you will be ready to listen to them once you finish your task.  Then do it.

The second step is to make good eye contact.  Have you ever tried telling someone some big news and they keep looking at the clock?  You know how frustrating that can be.  When you make good eye contact with the person who is speaking, you Increase your odds that you will have a successful conversation.  You are more likely to be present in the conversation you're having.  And, good eye contact will also give the person who is speaking the message that you are focused and what they are saying is important.

The third step is to actively listen without interrupting.  After the speaker completes the point, repeat back (in your own words) what you heard the speaker say.  What can make this difficult?  Sometimes you may get excited or offended by what you are hearing.  Either of these scenarios may cause you to experience a very strong emotion and feel the urgency to talk or to defend yourself.  You must resist this urgency.  However, if you suspect you're going to be discussing hot topics ahead of time, let the other person know that you're going to grab a pen and paper so that if you need to you can write down any urgent points that come up.  Remember, however, after you write down your point you must quickly return your focus back to the conversation.

If you want to take listening to the next level, you can ask probing and clarifying questions to really let the speaker know your are getting it.  Probing questions are questions that you can ask in order to get additional information.  Clarifying questions are questions that you can ask in order to clear up any confusion you may have over what the speaker has said.

In my next post, "I Can't Hear You!!!  What to do With Defensiveness During an Argument (Part 3 of 3)", I will address how to handle defensiveness when you are listening.  Keep this in mind.  You only need to remember 3 small steps that will have a huge impact on your relationships.  Get ready to listen, make good eye contact, and use active listening skills.

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995.  You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet.  Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Marriage Counseling
Pre-Marital Counseling
Anger Management
Emotional Regulation
Stress
Anxiety
Depression
Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
Aging Issues
Infidelity
ADHD
Reconciliation Therapy
Family, Adolescents and Children's Issues
Communication Issues
Conflict Resolution Difficulties

Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Mediation
Parenting Coordination
Custody Evaluations
Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
Adoption Home Studies

Visit Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.