The Toad: Embracing & Keeping Your Own Judgment

My favorite cartoon is the classic Warner Bros. cartoon, "One Froggy Evening."  One day while at work, a construction worker finds a box and inside it was a frog. Michigan J. Frog.  This was no ordinary frog as he had a top hat and cane and began to sing and dance for the construction worker.  With hopes of getting rich, the construction worker takes the frog to a talent agent in an attempt to exploit the frog and his talents.  But during the meeting, Michigan J. Frog only sat on the talent agent's desk and croaked.  Throughout the cartoon, the frog sings and dances for the construction worker when he wants to, but sits and croaks when the construction worker tries to exploit him.  The construction worker goes insane and broke and Michigan J. Frog continues doing as he pleases. 

Michigan J. Frog got it right. He knew who he was and did not allow the construction worker to control him.  He stayed true to himself and only sang and danced when he wanted to. 

I think of the clients that I have worked with over the years who have suffered from their blurred boundaries and controlling relationships.  Most likely without realizing it, these clients allowed other people to gain control of their thoughts and thus, their behavior. Michigan J. Frog escaped the influence of the construction worker by having a very strong sense of who he was.  If you think about it, it took a lot of guts for the frog to first sing and dance with a top hat with a cane, and second, to resist the direction of the construction worker who found him.

So what lessons can we learn from Michigan J. Frog?  First, always be aware of your inner voice.  And second, if that little voice has doubt, don't do it, don't say it, and don't blindly trust it.  If you wake up one day, and wonder who am I?  Watch this little cartoon… it will remind you you are unique just as you are and to always stay true to yourself.  

The words of Stephen Crane truly drive this point home:

"Think as I think," said the man, "or you are abominably wicked. You are a toad." "I think," I said, upon reflection, "that I shall be a toad."     

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice in Tulsa & Ponca City, Oklahoma. She has been conducting counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families for approximately twenty years. You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a webcam,  smartphone, laptop, or tablet. Visit her website at www.treytrotter.com for additional information. 

 

      

Listen Listen Listen...The Key to Effective Communication (Part 2 of 3)

In all my years of practicing marriage and family therapy, I have never had a client complain of their partner listening too much;  "He listens all the time!  I can't get a word in edge-wise!"  Or, "She never talks to me, all she does is listen effectively!"  Therapists just don't hear that sort of thing...

Clients don't complain of their partner  talking too much like they complain of not feeling heard.  In my previous article, "Talk Talk Talk The Problem with Communication Is...," I identified the most common problem I've encountered with communication difficulties, the absence of listening.

So how do you listen effectively?  Basically, if you can remember three steps, you will be on your way to becoming a good listener!

The first step is to get ready to listen.  We get very busy in our lives and sometimes forget to be present in our relationships.  So the next time your children or your partner want to share something with you, put down the newspaper or the sponge, make eye contact with them, and get ready to listen.  If what you're doing is too important to stop, then let them know that what they have to say is important and that you will be ready to listen to them once you finish your task.  Then do it.

The second step is to make good eye contact.  Have you ever tried telling someone some big news and they keep looking at the clock?  You know how frustrating that can be.  When you make good eye contact with the person who is speaking, you Increase your odds that you will have a successful conversation.  You are more likely to be present in the conversation you're having.  And, good eye contact will also give the person who is speaking the message that you are focused and what they are saying is important.

The third step is to actively listen without interrupting.  After the speaker completes the point, repeat back (in your own words) what you heard the speaker say.  What can make this difficult?  Sometimes you may get excited or offended by what you are hearing.  Either of these scenarios may cause you to experience a very strong emotion and feel the urgency to talk or to defend yourself.  You must resist this urgency.  However, if you suspect you're going to be discussing hot topics ahead of time, let the other person know that you're going to grab a pen and paper so that if you need to you can write down any urgent points that come up.  Remember, however, after you write down your point you must quickly return your focus back to the conversation.

If you want to take listening to the next level, you can ask probing and clarifying questions to really let the speaker know your are getting it.  Probing questions are questions that you can ask in order to get additional information.  Clarifying questions are questions that you can ask in order to clear up any confusion you may have over what the speaker has said.

In my next post, "I Can't Hear You!!!  What to do With Defensiveness During an Argument (Part 3 of 3)", I will address how to handle defensiveness when you are listening.  Keep this in mind.  You only need to remember 3 small steps that will have a huge impact on your relationships.  Get ready to listen, make good eye contact, and use active listening skills.

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995.  You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet.  Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Marriage Counseling
Pre-Marital Counseling
Anger Management
Emotional Regulation
Stress
Anxiety
Depression
Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
Aging Issues
Infidelity
ADHD
Reconciliation Therapy
Family, Adolescents and Children's Issues
Communication Issues
Conflict Resolution Difficulties

Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Mediation
Parenting Coordination
Custody Evaluations
Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
Adoption Home Studies

Visit Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

The Stuffers Vs. The Trigger Tempers... Part 1 of 2~ The Antidote toStuffing:

Are you a person who tends to stuff things when you get upset?  If so, you might be a "stuffer."  Or when upset, are you a person who is ready to fight at the drop of a hat?  Then you might have a "trigger temper."  

This first article is going to explain the "stuffer" and give stuffers the antidote to stuffing.  The second article in this series, "Taming Trigger Tempers," will offer suggestions for managing explosive tempers.

Stuffers are people that let things roll off their backs.  They seem to go with the flow and be pretty laid-back.  Then all of a sudden <<WHAM!!!>>  They blow up and all this stuff comes out that they didn't even know they were upset about.

Years ago, I was teaching an anger management class.  I asked each participant if they were a "stuffer" or if they had a "trigger temper."  Most of my students answered they are "stuffers."  This answer was surprising because when we think of people who have tempers we usually think of people who are "hot- heads."

I explained to my anger management class that the best antidote to stuffing is to learn assertiveness skills.  Assertiveness is the ability to respectfully, responsibly, and consistently stand up for yourself.  When I gave the following example of assertive communication in my anger management class, students looked at me in horror.  Imagine that one day your best friend came to you and started complaining about one of your other close friends.  In order to address this situation assertively you might say, "that person is one of my closest friends and if you have a problem  you need to go talk to that person.  Please stop talking to me about it."  (Come to think of it, the ladies of The Real Housewives of Orange County could learn a  thing or two about direct and assertive communication!)  

Anyway, many of my students would respond to my assertiveness example by emphatically saying, "I could never say that!"   When asked why, my students would respond that to do so would be rude, or that they were afraid to make their friend mad, or worse they feared they would lose the friendship altogether.  

So I asked my students what they would do If they did not address it and that friend kept complaining.  Most of my students replied they would rather stop hanging out with that friend than confront the situation. 

Coming off rude, making your friend mad, or losing your friendship are all real possibilities.  But think about this, however.  As Dr. Phil would say, until you "teach your friends how to treat you," you will continue to subject yourself to uncomfortable situations with complaining friends.  You can keep doing that, but by doing so you are supporting someone else's comfort level at the expense of your own.  And by not sharing your feelings you're actually being unfair to your friends by not giving them the opportunity to fix something that's wrong.

Whether you choose to continue stuffing or you choose to respectfully and responsibly take assertive steps to change the uncomfortable situations you find yourself in, you run the potential of losing friendships either by your choice or theirs...  

On the flip side of that, since you run the risk of losing a friend anyway, why not also run the risk of having a better friendship by being honest with your feelings?  Though initially uncomfortable, by addressing the situation you are actually creating an opportunity to live your life more honestly and comfortably.  You are demonstrating respect for your friend by entrusting your feelings to your friend.  You are creating an opportunity to take yourself out of an uncomfortable situation and uncomfortable situations in the future.  And you are creating an opportunity to possibly even deepen your friendships.  Which option will you choose?

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice in Tulsa & Ponca City, Oklahoma.  She conducts counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families.  See a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a webcam, and a smartphone, laptop, or tablet. Visit her website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information. 

Talk, Talk, Talk. The Problem With Communication Is... (Part 1 of 3)

A lot of my divorce clients have told me over the years, "Trey, if we could talk like this we wouldn't be getting a divorce!"  I've been thinking a lot about that statement.  My divorce clients have got it right.

All sustainable relationships require communication.  When I was growing up, communication skills were not taught in mainstream school, at church, or even Campfire Girls.  So what exactly is communication?  

In an effort to answer this question, I went to the dictionary.  What I found stopped me in my tracks.  Communication was defined as, "An act or instance of transmitting 2 a : information transmitted or b : a verbal or written message 3 a : a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior; the function of pheromones in insect."

The problem with this dictionary's definition of communication is consistent with the communication difficulties I have found in my clients over the years.  The act of listening is nowhere to be found.

I guess I always considered communication to be a two-way street.  And most of my clients who complain of communication difficulties are actually complaining  of not feeling heard.  So what is the deal?

My clients, whether they're single, married, or divorced, most often have zero difficulties communicating- consistent with how the dictionary defined communication.  However, knowing how to talk is not most  people's problem.  We begin learning to communicate as infants through gurgles and coos.  But what if nobody listened?  Are we better at listening to babies than we are listening to adults?

The key to effective communication is found in the listening...

In my next article, "Listen Listen Listen...The Key to Effective Communication Part 2 of 3," I will discuss the key points in listening.  And think about this;  If you were in a forest talking out loud and nobody was there to hear it, would that be considered communication?

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995.  You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet.  Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Marriage Counseling
Pre-Marital Counseling
Anger Management
Emotional Regulation
Stress
Anxiety
Depression
Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
Aging Issues
Infidelity
ADHD
Reconciliation Therapy
Family, Adolescents and Children's issues
LGBT
Communication Issues
Conflict Resolution Difficulties

Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Mediation
Parenting Coordination
Custody Evaluations
Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
Adoption Home Studies

Visit Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

How Do You Make a Cat Bark? If You Can't Change Your Ex Who Can You Change?

You know you can't control another person.  All you truly have control over is yourself.  So why is it when you get divorced, you expect your ex is going to wake up and just magically "get it?"  

You keep hoping your ex will stop bad-mouthing you, stop picking fights with you, or start seeing the children regularly.  Why do you do that?  If your ex hasn't been doing the things you are wanting already, then you're probably trying to make a cat bark.  In other words, you're trying to control another person through your expectation of that person.

So what do you do instead?

You change your expectation of your ex.  Expect your ex is going to continue bad-mouthing you.  Expect that your ex is going to continue picking fights with you.  Expect that your ex is not going to be consistent in spending time with the children.

When you accept your ex's behavior instead of hoping and/or expecting it to change, you will experience freedom.  For suggestions on how to cope with the negative aspects of co-parenting with the ex, view "Getting Thrown Under the Bus?  It's a Waste of Time To Go After the Bus Driver (Handling Bad-Mouthing by the Ex)."  Keep in mind that accepting your ex's behavior is not the same as agreeing with it.

Remember, you cannot change your ex.  You cannot make a cat bark.  But you can change your expectation and stop driving yourself crazy.  And maybe, just maybe, if your ex does happen to start behaving better, you will be happily surprised.  Either way~ if you change your expectation of your ex or your ex actually changes, your children win because you are less stressed.

Ms. Trotter has been conducting counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families for approximately twenty years.  She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3.  See Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

Pro-Acting Vs. Reacting: Am I Managing My Life or Reacting to It?

What do eating disorders, encopresis, cutting, infidelity, and OCD have in common?  The answer might surprise you; the quest for control and peace.

From children traumatized by domestic violence or abuse, to adolescents who didn't make the cheerleading squad, to people who feel as though they have no power in their marriage/relationship, to people who have lost a loved one, and people who have obsessive thoughts, they all have something in common. They all feel out of control of their lives and find themselves doing desperate things to cope.

Choosing not to eat, defacating in underpants, engaging in inappropriate relationships, mutilating one's body, hoarding items, and counting, checking, or washing repeatedly are all examples of attempts to control something and to find peace. The problem is, all these behaviors often result in very negative consequences that make the person doing them feel even more out of control.

Sometimes the most helpful thing we can learn is that we have more power than what we realize. Not necessarily over external events, but rather our attachment to our experiences. By learning healthy coping, we can influence and shape our experience of those negative events, bothersome thoughts and troubling emotions.

How? By learning to make pro-active rather than reactive choices. When we move from reacting to pro-acting, we are learning to experience healthy control. Therapy can help with this change. In therapy, you can learn healthy control by: choosing to go to the bathroom instead of holding it, making healthy eating choices rather than not eating at all, facing and working on power imbalances in relationships rather than straying, learning self-empowering tools for coping rather than cutting one's body, and by parting with an inanimate objects and learning that nothing bad is going to happen.

The shift of moving from reactive to proactive is a learning process. You may have been coping reactively rather than proactively for years, but you can still learn how cope in a way that empowers you. It requires a willingness to look beyond what seems to be the most readily available option. The process also requires discipline and often therapeutic support.

But if what you're doing isn't working for you, maybe ask yourself this question: Am I managing my life or reacting to it? If I'm reacting and feeling out of control, maybe it's time to learn how to move to a pro-active lifestyle.

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995.  You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet.  Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Marriage Counseling
Pre-Marital Counseling
Anger Management
Emotional Regulation
Stress
Anxiety
Depression
Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
Aging Issues
Infidelity
ADHD
Reconciliation Therapy
Family, Adolescents and Children's issues
LGBT
Communication Issues
Conflict Resolution Difficulties

Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Mediation
Parenting Coordination
Custody Evaluations
Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
Adoption Home Studies

Visit Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

Puppy Dogs, Unicorns, & Rainbows: Why Is It So Hard To Be Happy?

When was the last time you heard someone say, "I am sooo happy!" Or, "I had a really fantastic day today!"

The expression of happiness today seems to rarely be heard. Most people seem to smile at it, others seem to want it, yet a lot of people don't seem to emote it. Why is that?

Is it the fear of being judged? Of being different? Is it just too cheesy, dorky, or completely uncool?

I remember one year I took a very non-scientific poll at Christmas time- a time of year I thought I could stack the odds in my favor toward hearing the expression of happiness. I asked 23 people from all walks of life including teachers, doctors, and trash collectors, 1 simple question, "How was your Christmas?" Most of the answers I received included emphatic complaints; "I'm so glad it's over!" "The children only wanted expensive gifts so they didn't get as much as usual-I never had that stuff as a kid!" and, "My in-laws were awful!"

One person, the 23rd person I asked, however, answered this way: "You know I had a pretty good Christmas. My family was altogether which made it great!" Do you know who he was? A janitor who had just finished cleaning a hospital bathroom. I told him thank you with a tear in my eye. After hearing his answer, I quit taking my poll. I finally found what I had been looking for; to hear a genuine expression of happiness.

I'm a pretty optimistic person most of the time. However I'm also realistic. I know life takes a toll on you and the bad stuff is easier to see. It cuts in front of you in line, it makes obscene gestures at you in traffic, and it passes you by for that well-deserved raise.

I also know that being happy is hard work. It takes commitment and perseverance. If you look, and keep looking, past the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, or 22nd negative you encounter, and no matter what bad stuff happens you choose to continue to focus on the positive, you will find that life will be a little easier. If I had stopped looking after the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, or 22nd negative encounter, I never would've found what I had been looking for.

I know life is hard. But sometimes, when you're least expecting it, as long as you keep trying you will find what you're looking for. I did. And I will never forget the janitor who reminded me that Puppy Dogs, Unicorns, and Rainbows, still do exist!!!

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995.  You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet.  Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Marriage Counseling
Pre-Marital Counseling
Anger Management
Emotional Regulation
Stress
Anxiety
Depression
Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
Aging Issues
Infidelity
ADHD
Reconciliation Therapy
Family, Adolescents and Children's issues
LGBT
Communication Issues
Conflict Resolution Difficulties

Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Mediation
Parenting Coordination
Custody Evaluations
Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
Adoption Home Studies

Visit Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

Opposites Do Attract! Just Not in the Way You Might Think...

Do opposites really attract? 

Based upon what I have experienced in working with couples, I have seen the answer unfold time and time again but not in the way you might think... 

Years ago I was working with a couple who wanted their marriage to be better.  They had been married for over ten years and the husband had an affair toward the beginning of their marriage.  The husband told his wife he had the affair because she was too controlling.  They did not go to counseling.  They stayed together and over time a "parent-child" pattern developed in their marriage.  The wife was the "parent" and her husband was the "child."  The wife explained she had been so hurt by her husband's infidelity she began attempting to control all her husband's actions.  But each time the wife told her husband what to do, he would react and do the exact opposite of what she had directed.  He eventually had another affair in what he said was an effort to again gain "independence" from his wife. 

The wife was in no way responsible for how her husband coped with their relationship pattern. It always takes two to make or break a relationship. 

However, had the wife attended counseling earlier, she would have discovered how her individual insecurities, due to the infidelity in her own parent's marriage, affected the way she treated her husband.  She would have been able to see how attempting to control her husband was actually pushing him away and learned instead how to give him space and to feel secure doing so. Had the husband been in counseling earlier, he would have learned how to assert himself in the relationship long before he committed the first infidelity which could have challenged rather than endorsed the "parent-child" pattern.  He would have learned that by reacting to his wife's control, through having affairs, he was actually contributing to his wife's insecurities thereby contributing to her controlling behavior toward him.  They both would have learned how to cope with their insecurities in ways that would have brought them closer rather than tear them apart. 

There is a happy ending here.  Through marriage counseling my client and her husband were able to correct their power imbalance and to restore their relationship from a "parent-child" relationship to a "partner-partner" relationship.  They both reported feeling like they were in a much more "real" and satisfying place than ever.

So my answer is yes.  Opposites do attract but in this way... 

If what you are doing is getting you the opposite of what you want, you must do the opposite of what you are doing in order to get what you want!!!

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995.  You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet.  Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Marriage Counseling
Pre-Marital Counseling
Anger Management
Emotional Regulation
Stress
Anxiety
Depression
Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
Aging Issues
Infidelity
ADHD
Reconciliation Therapy
Family, Adolescents and Children's issues
LGBT
Communication Issues
Conflict Resolution Difficulties

Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Mediation
Parenting Coordination
Custody Evaluations
Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
Adoption Home Studies

Visit Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

Note:
As a reminder, all stories regarding clients are being repeated with permission. However, great creative liberty has been taken as names, gender, ages content, etc. have been changed to protect the identity of these clients.