Pro-Acting Vs. Reacting: Am I Managing My Life or Reacting to It?

What do eating disorders, encopresis, cutting, infidelity, and OCD have in common?  The answer might surprise you; the quest for control and peace.

From children traumatized by domestic violence or abuse, to adolescents who didn't make the cheerleading squad, to people who feel as though they have no power in their marriage/relationship, to people who have lost a loved one, and people who have obsessive thoughts, they all have something in common. They all feel out of control of their lives and find themselves doing desperate things to cope.

Choosing not to eat, defacating in underpants, engaging in inappropriate relationships, mutilating one's body, hoarding items, and counting, checking, or washing repeatedly are all examples of attempts to control something and to find peace. The problem is, all these behaviors often result in very negative consequences that make the person doing them feel even more out of control.

Sometimes the most helpful thing we can learn is that we have more power than what we realize. Not necessarily over external events, but rather our attachment to our experiences. By learning healthy coping, we can influence and shape our experience of those negative events, bothersome thoughts and troubling emotions.

How? By learning to make pro-active rather than reactive choices. When we move from reacting to pro-acting, we are learning to experience healthy control. Therapy can help with this change. In therapy, you can learn healthy control by: choosing to go to the bathroom instead of holding it, making healthy eating choices rather than not eating at all, facing and working on power imbalances in relationships rather than straying, learning self-empowering tools for coping rather than cutting one's body, and by parting with an inanimate objects and learning that nothing bad is going to happen.

The shift of moving from reactive to proactive is a learning process. You may have been coping reactively rather than proactively for years, but you can still learn how cope in a way that empowers you. It requires a willingness to look beyond what seems to be the most readily available option. The process also requires discipline and often therapeutic support.

But if what you're doing isn't working for you, maybe ask yourself this question: Am I managing my life or reacting to it? If I'm reacting and feeling out of control, maybe it's time to learn how to move to a pro-active lifestyle.

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995.  You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet.  Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Marriage Counseling
Pre-Marital Counseling
Anger Management
Emotional Regulation
Stress
Anxiety
Depression
Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
Aging Issues
Infidelity
ADHD
Reconciliation Therapy
Family, Adolescents and Children's issues
LGBT
Communication Issues
Conflict Resolution Difficulties

Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Mediation
Parenting Coordination
Custody Evaluations
Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
Adoption Home Studies

Visit Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.