Have you ever been so mad that you blacked out? A sort of "tunnel vision" prevails and you might hear a roaring in your ears? Your heart pounds, your palms sweat, or your teeth grind? If so, you are most likely a very passionate person and you lead with your emotions instead of your head. You may have a trigger temper and this article is for you!
In my first article in this series of two, "The Stuffers vs. The Trigger Tempers... Part 1 of 2~ The Antidote to Stuffing," we discussed that the antidote to "stuffing" your emotions is to learn how to assert yourself in uncomfortable situations in a respectful, responsible, and consistent way. This article will discuss how to manage explosive tempers.
Years ago I was working the protective order docket at a courthouse and I heard a person testify, "Judge! I can't help it! When she pushes my buttons I see red and it's over!" I had the opportunity to talk to the gentleman after the hearing. I asked him what he noticed happens to his body when he gets upset. He replied that he starts clenching his fists. I told him that the next time he and his spouse argue to notice when his fists clench, and at that very moment to enact some sort of anger management skill. He said he would by taking a time-out and leaving the house next time.
The first important point to this story is that your emotions are intertwined with your body. When stressed, your body produces chemicals such as epinephrine and norepinephrine. As a result, you may notice that you begin to experience physical changes like flushing, paling, prickly sensations, numbness, sweating, muscle tension, or body temperature changes. These physiological changes are often referred to as "biological cues." It is imperative to pay attention to these biological cues because if they go unnoticed, it is possible that a bad situation could escalate very quickly into something worse.
The second important point to this story is expanding your sense of time and urgency during a conflict. For many people with trigger tempers, taking a time-out as soon as your notice your biological cues is the most helpful thing you can do. You can't resolve anything when you're upset anyway, and the time-out will create emotional distance from the person you're in conflict with which will allow you time to think your way through the situation, something that is very difficult to do when you are in it. Common ways to manage your anger through self-soothing include:
Get relaxed- take a time-out, take deep breaths to slow your heart rate, go for a walk, listen to music, take a hot bath
Get physical- work out, run, shoot baskets, clean your house
Get distracted- do some paperwork, read, play a video game
Talk with someone- vent to a supportive family member or friend
Remember, if you have an explosive temper, you are most likely a very passionate person and you can learn to manage your temper. You can learn ways to self- soothe. And you can learn to manage your emotions so that you can calm down enough to think your way through a stressful situation, rather than react to it.
Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice. She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995. You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:
Pre-Marital Counseling
Anger Management
Emotional Regulation
Stress
Anxiety
Depression
Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
Aging Issues
Infidelity
ADHD
Reconciliation Therapy
Family, Adolescents and Children's issues
LGBT
Communication Issues
Conflict Resolution Difficulties
Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:
Parenting Coordination
Custody Evaluations
Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
Adoption Home Studies
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