In my first article in this series, "Talk, Talk, Talk. The Problem with Communication Is... (Part 1 or 3)" I identified the problem with communication is not in the speaking but rather in the lack of listening. In "Listen Listen Listen...The Key to Effective Communication (Part 2 of 3)", the second article in this series, I identified skills you can use to be an effective listener. So what can you do when your communication becomes heated?
When you are involved in a conflict, your emotions run rampant. Sometimes you feel things that are so strong they take over your ability to rationalize in the moment. Self-regulation becomes very difficult. And at some point you're so defensive you quit listening.
So how do you listen when you're feeling defensive? Simple. You don't.
So what do you do?
First, as soon as you start feeling defensive, take a timeout. Sounds simple but it takes discipline to do it. When you feel defensive a sense of "urgency" seems to come up. A sense of urgency to react, to respond, or to tell your point of view. However, the odds are not in your favor of working through the situation if you're feeling defensive, and your patience is most likely thin. Taking a time-out may mean taking a break from the conversation. There is no harm in this; adults sometimes need time-outs just like children do. Sometimes just getting away from the conversation can lessen the anxiety or frustration that you're feeling. The purpose of the time-out is so that you can calm yourself down and slow yourself down. When you have gathered your composure then it's time to go back and attempt to resolve the issue.
Second, if you have accomplished assertiveness and self-regulation skills, as you begin to feel defensive, you can tell the person who's talking you're beginning to feel defensive. You might say something like, "What you're saying is important but I feel like you're talking down to me. Could you please say that in a different way so that I can be more open to what you're saying?" Your ability to effectively identify and articulate your emotions and to address what's bothering you early in the conversation can sometimes redirect the conversation before it escalates into conflict.
Remember, you have choices even when your emotions implore a sense of urgency. You have the choice to take a time-out. You have the choice to address what's bothering you in a responsible way. And you have the choice to argue. What will your choice be?
Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital & Family Therapist in private practice. She has been conducting counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families since 1995. You can now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a webcam, smartphone, tablet, or computer. Visit her website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.
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