I'm Going Through a Divorce...Should I Go to Mediation?

ABSOLUTELY 100% YES!!!

I used to work at a courthouse and I would listen to Judges say they are not the best people to make decisions with regard to your children. They don't know your children's fears, their hopes or their dreams like you do.

I am a huge proponent of mediation because it is a process that allows you to remain in charge of the decision-making that affects you and your children. You can go to Mediation at anytime during the court process.

What is Mediation?
Mediation is a cooperative and confidential process where I sit down with you and your co-parent and we resolve unresolved issues, including but not limited to custody and visitation as well as modifications to your current orders.

Why Does it Work?
When we argue, we tend to get stuck defending our positions. As an experienced mediator, I take an "interest-based" approach in helping co-parents resolve their issues. "Interest–based" negotiation is focused on flushing out and resolving the issues that fuel your positions. While mediating I frequently hear, "Trey if we could talk like this we could've resolved our issues ourselves!" Sometimes it takes a trained neutral party to help you stay focused on the issues, and to help you learn effective communication and conflict resolution skills.

Can I Mediate if We Have a Protective Order?
Yes! I stagger the arrival and departure times so that you may have safe passage in and out of my office. You and your co-parent are put in separate rooms and I alternate meeting or "caucusing" with each of you separately.

How many times do we meet?
You will meet with me as many times as necessary to resolve the issues. I've met with clients anywhere from one to six times in the past.

What Happens After Mediation is Finished?
Upon completion of the final Mediation session, I will prepare a Memorandum of Understanding and submit it to you, your co-parent and the attorneys. The attorneys will draft your agreements into order form to present to the court for approval by the Judge. Your case will be finished and you don't have to go to court. You are welcome to come back in the future as necessary.

Ms. Trotter has been conducting counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families for approximately twenty years.  She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3.  See Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

Opposites Do Attract! Just Not in the Way You Might Think...

Do opposites really attract? 

Based upon what I have experienced in working with couples, I have seen the answer unfold time and time again but not in the way you might think... 

Years ago I was working with a couple who wanted their marriage to be better.  They had been married for over ten years and the husband had an affair toward the beginning of their marriage.  The husband told his wife he had the affair because she was too controlling.  They did not go to counseling.  They stayed together and over time a "parent-child" pattern developed in their marriage.  The wife was the "parent" and her husband was the "child."  The wife explained she had been so hurt by her husband's infidelity she began attempting to control all her husband's actions.  But each time the wife told her husband what to do, he would react and do the exact opposite of what she had directed.  He eventually had another affair in what he said was an effort to again gain "independence" from his wife. 

The wife was in no way responsible for how her husband coped with their relationship pattern. It always takes two to make or break a relationship. 

However, had the wife attended counseling earlier, she would have discovered how her individual insecurities, due to the infidelity in her own parent's marriage, affected the way she treated her husband.  She would have been able to see how attempting to control her husband was actually pushing him away and learned instead how to give him space and to feel secure doing so. Had the husband been in counseling earlier, he would have learned how to assert himself in the relationship long before he committed the first infidelity which could have challenged rather than endorsed the "parent-child" pattern.  He would have learned that by reacting to his wife's control, through having affairs, he was actually contributing to his wife's insecurities thereby contributing to her controlling behavior toward him.  They both would have learned how to cope with their insecurities in ways that would have brought them closer rather than tear them apart. 

There is a happy ending here.  Through marriage counseling my client and her husband were able to correct their power imbalance and to restore their relationship from a "parent-child" relationship to a "partner-partner" relationship.  They both reported feeling like they were in a much more "real" and satisfying place than ever.

So my answer is yes.  Opposites do attract but in this way... 

If what you are doing is getting you the opposite of what you want, you must do the opposite of what you are doing in order to get what you want!!!

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995.  You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet.  Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Marriage Counseling
Pre-Marital Counseling
Anger Management
Emotional Regulation
Stress
Anxiety
Depression
Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
Aging Issues
Infidelity
ADHD
Reconciliation Therapy
Family, Adolescents and Children's issues
LGBT
Communication Issues
Conflict Resolution Difficulties

Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Mediation
Parenting Coordination
Custody Evaluations
Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
Adoption Home Studies

Visit Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

Note:
As a reminder, all stories regarding clients are being repeated with permission. However, great creative liberty has been taken as names, gender, ages content, etc. have been changed to protect the identity of these clients.

Getting Thrown Under the Bus? It's a Waste of Time to go After the BusDriver (Handling Bad-Mouthing by the Ex:)

So you find yourself separated or divorced and your children are telling you how your ex is constantly throwing you under the bus. How do you handle your emotions in those frustrating moments?

First, keep in mind that it's okay to feel hurt or angry by what you're hearing. Just remember you always have a choice in how you respond or react with your own behavior.

Second, children learn more by what they see than what they hear. Keep your behavior in check by asking yourself, "Is my behavior in this moment showing my children how to respond should they find themselves in this situation some day?"

Third, it's true your ex may have placed your children in the middle by throwing you under the bus. However, if you react negatively to what you are hearing, you are keeping them there. Instead try something like, "I'm sorry that you had to hear that. How did you feel when the other parent said that?" Then process your children's feelings in a supportive way, again without retaliating against the bad-mouthing parent.

Fourth, remember, your children are made up of each of you. When they hear something negative about you from the other parent, they don't hear it about that you as intended. Rather they hear it as an attack on themselves and they need your support, not your negative reaction.

Lastly, the best way to handle bad-mouthing by an ex is to resolve your emotions about your ex so that ultimately their opinion means nothing to you. Then you'll be in a better position to focus on your children's needs rather than your hurt or anger. You will be in a better position to demonstrate for your children how you would want them to handle someone bad-mouthing them someday.

Children are smart and they are learning something about each of you; whether there is bad-mouthing happening, or good role-modeling happening. Either way, they'll be thanking one of you and most likely resenting the other.

Ms. Trotter has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. She is also a trained Parenting Coordinator. In 1999, Ms. Trotter was a member of the Families in Transition Working Committee in Tulsa County. Making Oklahoma the first state to pass Parenting Coordination legislation, this committee wrote the "Parenting Coordinator Act" in 2001 which was amended in 2003. This Act defined parenting coordination and established requirements for professionals who are interested in practicing Parenting Coordination. This committee also wrote the Order Appointing Parenting Coordinator courts still use in its amended form. Ms. Trotter is listed on the approved list of Custody Evaluators at: http://www.tulsacountydistrictcourt.org/resources.html. See her website at www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

Choosing Change Before Change Chooses You

Is it hard for you to make changes?

Do you tend to resist changes? Even changes that might be good for you?

If so you might be like many people... what is familiar is what is comfortable~ even when it's not working for us.

So why do people tend to resist change?

People resist change for many reasons;

Maybe you don't know where to go for resources you need to make the transition...

Maybe you want to avoid the embarrassment that a public divorce or separation might cause you or your family...

Maybe you don't have the skills that you need to work through or resolve a situation...

Maybe you don't have enough information to make this decision...

Or maybe it's not that you are resisting change~ but your loved ones are. You're ready for a different direction but your loved ones aren't and, though well-intentioned, they actually do things that feel more like sabotage than support...

It has been said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again hoping for a different result. This is precisely what happens when we don't choose change.

The problem is that change will find us... whether we are ready for it or not. Change is inevitable. Change is constant. Since we can predict that change will happen, wouldn't you rather choose change and have some input into the direction of your life rather than to allow change to choose you?

Ms. Trotter has been conducting counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families for approximately twenty years. Now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a webcam, smartphone or tablet. Visit her website at www.treytrotter.com for additional information.