Pam amazed at how often people spend time reacting to somebody they don't know. Weather is someone who is offering poor customer service at a store, to someone who is driving poorly but then makes an obscene gesture you.

How Do You Make a Cat Bark? If You Can't Change Your Ex Who Can You Change?

You know you can't control another person.  All you truly have control over is yourself.  So why is it when you get divorced, you expect your ex is going to wake up and just magically "get it?"  

You keep hoping your ex will stop bad-mouthing you, stop picking fights with you, or start seeing the children regularly.  Why do you do that?  If your ex hasn't been doing the things you are wanting already, then you're probably trying to make a cat bark.  In other words, you're trying to control another person through your expectation of that person.

So what do you do instead?

You change your expectation of your ex.  Expect your ex is going to continue bad-mouthing you.  Expect that your ex is going to continue picking fights with you.  Expect that your ex is not going to be consistent in spending time with the children.

When you accept your ex's behavior instead of hoping and/or expecting it to change, you will experience freedom.  For suggestions on how to cope with the negative aspects of co-parenting with the ex, view "Getting Thrown Under the Bus?  It's a Waste of Time To Go After the Bus Driver (Handling Bad-Mouthing by the Ex)."  Keep in mind that accepting your ex's behavior is not the same as agreeing with it.

Remember, you cannot change your ex.  You cannot make a cat bark.  But you can change your expectation and stop driving yourself crazy.  And maybe, just maybe, if your ex does happen to start behaving better, you will be happily surprised.  Either way~ if you change your expectation of your ex or your ex actually changes, your children win because you are less stressed.

Ms. Trotter has been conducting counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families for approximately twenty years.  She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3.  See Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

Pro-Acting Vs. Reacting: Am I Managing My Life or Reacting to It?

What do eating disorders, encopresis, cutting, infidelity, and OCD have in common?  The answer might surprise you; the quest for control and peace.

From children traumatized by domestic violence or abuse, to adolescents who didn't make the cheerleading squad, to people who feel as though they have no power in their marriage/relationship, to people who have lost a loved one, and people who have obsessive thoughts, they all have something in common. They all feel out of control of their lives and find themselves doing desperate things to cope.

Choosing not to eat, defacating in underpants, engaging in inappropriate relationships, mutilating one's body, hoarding items, and counting, checking, or washing repeatedly are all examples of attempts to control something and to find peace. The problem is, all these behaviors often result in very negative consequences that make the person doing them feel even more out of control.

Sometimes the most helpful thing we can learn is that we have more power than what we realize. Not necessarily over external events, but rather our attachment to our experiences. By learning healthy coping, we can influence and shape our experience of those negative events, bothersome thoughts and troubling emotions.

How? By learning to make pro-active rather than reactive choices. When we move from reacting to pro-acting, we are learning to experience healthy control. Therapy can help with this change. In therapy, you can learn healthy control by: choosing to go to the bathroom instead of holding it, making healthy eating choices rather than not eating at all, facing and working on power imbalances in relationships rather than straying, learning self-empowering tools for coping rather than cutting one's body, and by parting with an inanimate objects and learning that nothing bad is going to happen.

The shift of moving from reactive to proactive is a learning process. You may have been coping reactively rather than proactively for years, but you can still learn how cope in a way that empowers you. It requires a willingness to look beyond what seems to be the most readily available option. The process also requires discipline and often therapeutic support.

But if what you're doing isn't working for you, maybe ask yourself this question: Am I managing my life or reacting to it? If I'm reacting and feeling out of control, maybe it's time to learn how to move to a pro-active lifestyle.

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995.  You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet.  Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Marriage Counseling
Pre-Marital Counseling
Anger Management
Emotional Regulation
Stress
Anxiety
Depression
Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
Aging Issues
Infidelity
ADHD
Reconciliation Therapy
Family, Adolescents and Children's issues
LGBT
Communication Issues
Conflict Resolution Difficulties

Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Mediation
Parenting Coordination
Custody Evaluations
Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
Adoption Home Studies

Visit Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

How Could You!?!? 10 Simple Tips to Increase Positive Interactions WithYour Partner:

Have you ever found yourself unemployed and sending out resumés to get a job? Typically for every 10-15 resumés you send out you'll receive 1 response back. So what happens if you only send out 8 resumés? Or if you send out 10 but don't send out any more? What if the one company call you received wasn't the one you were hoping for? Most likely, you won't be successful in landing that "ideal" and "fulfilling" job.

In order to sustain an "ideal" and "fulfilling" relationship, John Gottman, researcher and renowned relational specialist in the field of psychology posits in order for a relationship to thrive you must exhibit 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction. That's certainly better odds than receiving 1 in 10-15 responses from sending out your resumés.

So the question is this; If your relationship is not ideal and fulfilling, how could you increase your number of positive interactions with your partner? It may take a conscience effort to do so, regardless of whether you receive feedback right away from your partner. But if you don't make that effort, your relationship's odds of being "ideal" and "fulfilling" will slowly stack against you.

Here are 10 simple tips to increase your positive interactions with your partner:

1. Use humor.
2. Flirt.
3. Give sincere compliments.
4. Show appreciation.
5. Listen.
6. Date each other.
7. Use "I" statements when you're upset.
8. Surprise your partner by cleaning the house.
9. Hug when you get home from work.
10. Make a date to meet for lunch.

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice in Tulsa & Ponca City, Oklahoma. She has been conducting counseling with individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families for approximately twenty years. You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a webcam, and a smartphone, laptop, or tablet. Visit her website at www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

Don't Just Say Something Stand There! Doing Nothing is Sometimes Best:

We've all heard people say, "Don't just stand there, do something!" However, sometimes the best thing you can do is to simply do nothing.

I had a client who desperately wanted to reconcile with his wife. In the beginning of the separation she had reportedly said she wanted to reconcile as well, but that my client was driving her crazy. He kept doing things for his wife despite her objections. He paid her car payment, her phone bill, her utilities. He sent flowers to her work, left her notes on her car, texted her repeatedly. He was so desperate to "win" her back that he couldn't see how he was pushing her away.

He came to a session with me and despite my educating him about distancing/pursuing patterns and my giving him repeated advice to back off, my client kept pursuing her. Eventually his wife obtained a protective order against him for harassment and then divorced him. When he received the divorce papers, my client told me that he had a revelation; HE NEEDED TO TRY EVEN HARDER!

Several months later, my client told me that it wasn't until one night when he was sitting in jail after violating his protective order repeatedly, he finally understood what I had been trying to tell him.

He should have just stood there and done "nothing."

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995.  You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet.  Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Marriage Counseling
Pre-Marital Counseling
Anger Management
Emotional Regulation
Stress
Anxiety
Depression
Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
Aging Issues
Infidelity
ADHD
Reconciliation Therapy
Family, Adolescents and Children's issues
LGBT
Communication Issues
Conflict Resolution Difficulties

Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Mediation
Parenting Coordination
Custody Evaluations
Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
Adoption Home Studies

Visit Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.

Note:
As a reminder, all stories regarding clients are being repeated with permission. However, great creative liberty has been taken as names, gender, ages content, etc. have been changed to protect the identity of these clients.

Puppy Dogs, Unicorns, & Rainbows: Why Is It So Hard To Be Happy?

When was the last time you heard someone say, "I am sooo happy!" Or, "I had a really fantastic day today!"

The expression of happiness today seems to rarely be heard. Most people seem to smile at it, others seem to want it, yet a lot of people don't seem to emote it. Why is that?

Is it the fear of being judged? Of being different? Is it just too cheesy, dorky, or completely uncool?

I remember one year I took a very non-scientific poll at Christmas time- a time of year I thought I could stack the odds in my favor toward hearing the expression of happiness. I asked 23 people from all walks of life including teachers, doctors, and trash collectors, 1 simple question, "How was your Christmas?" Most of the answers I received included emphatic complaints; "I'm so glad it's over!" "The children only wanted expensive gifts so they didn't get as much as usual-I never had that stuff as a kid!" and, "My in-laws were awful!"

One person, the 23rd person I asked, however, answered this way: "You know I had a pretty good Christmas. My family was altogether which made it great!" Do you know who he was? A janitor who had just finished cleaning a hospital bathroom. I told him thank you with a tear in my eye. After hearing his answer, I quit taking my poll. I finally found what I had been looking for; to hear a genuine expression of happiness.

I'm a pretty optimistic person most of the time. However I'm also realistic. I know life takes a toll on you and the bad stuff is easier to see. It cuts in front of you in line, it makes obscene gestures at you in traffic, and it passes you by for that well-deserved raise.

I also know that being happy is hard work. It takes commitment and perseverance. If you look, and keep looking, past the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, or 22nd negative you encounter, and no matter what bad stuff happens you choose to continue to focus on the positive, you will find that life will be a little easier. If I had stopped looking after the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, or 22nd negative encounter, I never would've found what I had been looking for.

I know life is hard. But sometimes, when you're least expecting it, as long as you keep trying you will find what you're looking for. I did. And I will never forget the janitor who reminded me that Puppy Dogs, Unicorns, and Rainbows, still do exist!!!

Ms. Trotter is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in private practice.  She has been conducting therapy with children, adolescents, teens, families, individuals, and couples since 1995.  You may now see a therapist from the privacy of your own home if you have a web cam, and a laptop smart phone or tablet.  Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Marriage Counseling
Pre-Marital Counseling
Anger Management
Emotional Regulation
Stress
Anxiety
Depression
Couples' Issues Including Sexual Problems and Infidelity
Co-Parenting with Separating or Divorced Parents
Aging Issues
Infidelity
ADHD
Reconciliation Therapy
Family, Adolescents and Children's issues
LGBT
Communication Issues
Conflict Resolution Difficulties

Ms. Trotter also works with the courts, providing therapeutic support to those involved in a family court case. She has been trained in Family and Divorce Mediation 12 O.S. § 1825, and has specialized in Domestic Abuse and Child Custody Mediation pursuant to 43 O.S. § 107.3. Ms. Trotter is accepting referrals for:

Mediation
Parenting Coordination
Custody Evaluations
Limited Scope Visitation Evaluations
Supervised (Including Therapeutic), Monitored Visitation & Exchanges
Reconciliation Therapy for Estranged Parents & Children
Adoption Home Studies

Visit Ms. Trotter's website at http://www.treytrotter.com for additional information.